Bachelor Episode 5 Recap: Puerto Rico is an amazing place to, wait for it, fall into the ocean with a naked model with an imploding mouth

By Artistry

Sadly, there is no Raw Emotion Podcast this week, but please keep the angry emails coming because that means you are doing what we've always wanted you to do: be emotional.

So in light of no REP and Finesse's inexcusable failure to even watch the show, here are some rambling thoughts divided into artificial headers at 5:45 a.m.  You know, for the historical record.  If you still need more, you can read our coverage of the whole season here.

Courtney

"I don't doubt that it won't be fun," said a flustered Ben when Bachelor camera-time leader Courtney first suggested they prance around naked in front of an ABC camera crew.

Ben is a good right-hand man.

Nikki

Nikki was fortunate to be with the man of her dreams for the "Unexpected precipitation but remember things don't always work out take it for what it is nothing can rain on this parade roll with the punches go with the flow let's shift gears and buy authentic Puerto Rican clothes I am the luckiest woman on earth I'd like to have a big wedding" date. It was like a romantic comedy, except that these actors couldn't pull it off.

For Jurassic Park fans: "Dodgson! We've got Dodgson here!"

Nikki also wants a second chance at the fairy tale.

Men shouldn't sit in baskets.

More after the jump...

Hooker with a heart of gold really let down her walls

"Yeah, at times it was scary. I mean, you never knew who would be in the hotel room"

Baseball

Baseball group date. This game is hard enough to watch at an elite level. Courtney on Blakely: "Who knew strippers could play baseball."

Bachelor Code §101.456(A)(3)(b): Get the guy in a baseball uniform, ASAP

Jen strikes out to lose the game. Something literary folks like to call "foreshadowing."  She weeps because "time with Ben is precious." She doesn't want to lose that "precious, precious time."

Precious.

Helicopter

Helicopter on the horizon. Somebody makes a comment about how that helicopter better not be coming to pick up the red team. Guess which team it picks up?  Only a matter of time before someone opens fire on a helicopter on this show.

Elyse

"what IS that helicopter?!?!?!?!"

Facebook profile pic candidate test:
Not looking at camera? Check.
Windy? Check.
Tan? Check.
Beach that implies you love to travel? Check.
Verdict: Acceptable.

Elyse has a brutal accent and tan. Also Ben has never talked to her and now she says she wants to get married right now. She says, "I'm sick of being single." Ben: "Just sick of being single? Er..." Then he says unfortunately 6 times in his break up speech. "Unfortunately I just met you, and unfortunately you want to marry me. Unfortunately, that makes no sense, even in this context. And unfortunately, your accent is particularly grating. Unfortunately, the other women are a little better at making me feel comfortable with them declaring me the man of their dreams after a single date, so unfortunately, I cannot give you this rose."

Elyse asks what she did wrong. Ben says, "nothing, you're an incredible woman." There is no evidence that he really thinks this.

The rest of the raw notes

what is going on w kacey b hair? gettin uglier

c mouth is imploding. all this is a metaphor for the season

when women see guy take elyse's bag, they act like someone was just shot. "No!"

Courtney hopes she is a vision after a long day. She isn't.

skinny dip

ben uses the word "rad."

ben says he is blindsided by blakely. she really lets down her walls.

Another classic screwup by emily talking shit on courtney again. ben warns her to tread lightly and drop it.

Jen gets sent home with elyse.

panama city

GTOG Podcast: Crosby's injury, the All-Star game, and the loss of Gen. B.A.

Though not officially a Raw Emotion Podcast, this still packs a punch. We talk about Sidney Crosby's neck injury, his friendship with Tom Brady, the NHL All-Star game, Ben's loss of General B.A., and for the last ten minutes, something we like to call "exploring the space."  It's the GTOG Podcast.

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GTOG Recap: NHL All-Star Draft (and Republican Debate)

By Finesse

If you missed the NHL All-Star Fantasy draft last night we envy you, but if you don't realize just how lucky you were, here's a quick recap of the proceedings, with some bonus coverage of the Republican debate.

The format is as follows -- Zdeno Chara and Daniel Alfredsson are team captains who select their teams from the pool of players voted to the All-Star game.  Each captain also got to have an assistant: Chara had Joffrey Lupul of the Leafs, and Alfredsson worked with Henrik Lundqvist, who somehow found time to pencil 90 minutes of drafting into his busy schedule of lobbying for goalie interference calls.

The show was hosted by James Duthie of TSN who looks like a guy who would play Seth Myers in the biographical movie, "Seth Meyers: The Movie No One Is Going To See."

The draft takes place in a casino "just across the Ottawa river."  Nothing screams BIG TIME more than the outskirts of Ottawa, a mood captured by Dave Molinari on Twitter.

Duthie insists that this draft is taking hockey "back to its roots" where Saskatoons at the turn of the 20th century used to wear $6,000 suits and check Twitter while hitting on 20-year old Russian immigrants named Alyonka.

Duthie introduces Alfredsson to the delight of the Ottawa crowd, and Alfredsson shows a surprising amount of personality for someone who looks like the guy in your apartment building who would passively aggressively complain to you that there is a no-move-in policy on the weekends while you're cramming a couch into the elevator on a Sunday afternoon.

"Technically the policy says you cannot move in today. I could report you if I wanted."

And Duthie proves to be the perfect host for an event where Zdeno Chara is prominently involved because it means there will be almost no occasion for Chara to laugh.

It's a commercial break, so let's check in on the debate.  Rick Santorum is pointing at his 93-year-old mother, and makes her stand up.  She gets a rousing ovation, or so she's told.

Much more after the jump...


When NBC Sports comes back from break, they flash a poll that shows that 50% of people think Malkin should be the first pick.  It's clear that there is a certain segment of the Pens fan-base that will vote/buy/text/call/tweet about anything and everything related to the Penguins.  Can someone tell them about GTOG, please?  Duthie plants himself between Steven Stamkos and Patrick Kane, and asks Stamkos something about what it was like being the first pick last year.  Stamkos relies on the following advice he received from his agent via email before the show:

Ok, Steven, you're a big star in this league so if they ask you a question, here's what you should do: Be super boring, come off as kind of a dullard, and flash that $42.99 smile!

The segment wraps up with Patrick Kane telling us what an honor it is to be there -- does anyone have that on DVR because that was exciting! -- and the introduction of Alyonka Larionov, former Pens-TV girl, as the Reader Of Tweets Verbatim.  She's basically Morgan Freeman, if Morgan Freeman was a 105-pound blonde Russian girl who got to say things like, "At hartsy underscore 19 draft my boy claudsy at giroux underscore twenty eight hashtag all star game hashtag Alyonka underscore Larionov."

We flip back to the Republican debate to find Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney yelling at each other that they don't hate immigrants while transmitting secret codes that they actually do.  I remark how small Newt Gingrich's hands are; Poise and I unanimously agree that Newt Gingrich doesn't pee, he goes wee-wee.

Back at the draft, Chara gets first pick and takes Datsyuk.  A hot blonde in super tight pants comes out to take Datsyuk's coat, setting up the ongoing debate of the night: Whose pants are tighter, Lundqvist's or the two female jacket-takers?

Alfredsson takes his teammate Erik Karlsson, which causes a guy wearing a beret in the crowd to do an other-worldly fist-pump.

Chara then takes his teammate Tim Thomas.  To his credit, Duthie doesn't cave to Thomas's Facebook-expressed desire to put the White House no-show behind him and asks whether he expected so much reaction.  Thomas releases the following statement:

I believe the Canadian government is out of control, threatening the People's Rights to eat Nova Scotian smoked Salmon.  This is being Done by The Mounties.  Jim Carey and Celine Dion did not have This in mind when They created this country.  Because I believe this, today I exercised My right to bring Starbucks across The Border.  This was not About tim Horton's unconstitutional usurpation of Power. This was about ME making a statement about ME because what ME thinks is important to ME. This is the Only public statement I will be making, because Freedom isn't Free.

Alfredsson takes Spezza, and then Chara takes Geno.  Although Duthie didn't interview Malkin, we can presume he would have said, "I'm so cccheeepppy."

The next four picks are Jonathon Quick, Marian Hossa, Claude Giroux, and Darius Heyward-Bey Kimmo Timmonen.  Alfredsson then took Kris Letang, who looks more and more like a woman every day.

What a difference maker.

Back at the debate, Romney and Gingrich accuse each other of loving Freddie Mac more even though they both hate it now.  The judges rule that Gingrich loved it more, although he left it as soon as it got cancer.

At the draft, Jason Spezza says he owes Malkin $20 because Spezza was picked first.  Malkin may have a gambling problem.

Chara then selects Corey Perry, a man about whom no one remembers nor cares that he was MVP last season.  Alfredsson takes Stamkos, sweater vest and all.

Chara counters with Carey Price, who is somehow an All-Star for the third straight year even though he isn't even good.  Lundqvist shakes Brian Elliot's hand, and looks an awful lot like Peter Pan in the process.

Joffrey Lupul, who has assumed captain duties from Chara at this point, selects his linemate Phil Kessel, who is so physically unimpressive, that my notes say simply, "horrible looking guy. really repulsive looking, and sounding man. so gross."

The next  five picks present a challenge to stay awake (Shea Weber, Ryan Suter, Daniel Sedin, Jimmy Howard, Dan Girardi).

Back at the debate, Newt Gingrich promises that America will colonize the moon by the end of his second term as president.  When asked how this would be possible without raising taxes, Newt says, in all seriousness, that he would offer "prizes."  First one to the moon wins a 2012 Hyundai Accent!

Chara selects Brian Campbell who combines with Phil Kessel to comprise the two least physically impressive professional athletes ever to be on the same team.  Keith Yandle, Patrick Kane, and Milan Michalek are the next three off the board.  Lupul then selects Leafs teammate Dion Phaneuf, who was greeted with the "o-ver-ra-ted" chant, rather than the more appropriate "slop-py sec-onds."

Blame Sean Avery, not us.

The next five selections are Henrik Sedin, Jarome Iginla, James Neal, Dennis Wideman (such a sexy pick!), and Alex Edler.  Yeah, I know.

Duthie then interviews Tyler Seguin who responds to at least three questions by saying, "I have no idea."  At least he's honest.

Back at the debate, a woman wearing a fur coat says she's unemployed and can't afford health insurance. She asks Ron Paul what she's supposed to do.  Ron Paul says that the government spends too much money on education.  Newt tells her to get a job.  GTOG reveals its two step-plan: 1) stop wearing fur indoors; 2) don't ask Ron Paul what to do.

In Ottawa, we meet the All-Rookie team, YOUR NEXT GENERATION OF SUPER-BORING ALL-STAR PARTICIPANTS!

The next four picks are Marian Gaborik, John Tavares, Jordan Eberle, and Scott Hartnell, who, we SWEAR, is on pace for 43 goals.  Three years ago the Pens probably could have gotten him in a trade for Max Talbot.

Back at the debate, Rick Santorum yells at Mitt Romney about insurance, then makes a face like he's smelling a fart when Romney responds.  

Mercifully, we're down to the last four picks of the draft.  Chara takes his teammate Seguin, and Alfredsson takes Jason Pominville.  Chara then saves Jamie Benn the shame of being the last pick, meaning that honor went to...

This guy.

If you didn't watch...good luck guessing.

(In all seriousness, I know we rip the Fantasy Draft for being boring, but compared to what the other leagues do, it's relatively awesome.  Kudos to the NHL for having the balls to try -- and to execute -- something that is actually pretty cool).

GTOG Wants You to Comment!

By Finesse

We never pump our comment section, even though there are some entertaining exchanges that happen in there.  But for over 18 months, we've basically been talking at you.  We'd love to hear any thoughts you guys have on the Pens, the Bachelor, Paula Deen's diabetes, or anything else.  There's a comment string going here about the Pens, so if you want to weigh in, click that link and tell us why we're smart or why we suck.

Proud Graduates.

And if no one takes the bait, that's cool, too.  We can always just talk to each other.

GTOPG: Over Fleury's Left Leg; Pens Win 3-2

By Finesse

Marc-Andre Fleury gives up his share of goals that we think he should stop, most of which go through Brooks Orpik's legs on 1-on-1's and then over Flower's glove.  But if you try to go cross-crease on Flower and you don't get the puck up over his pad, Darren Pang is going to break into hysterics about Fleury's quickness in the Blues' broadcast booth.



Flower was phenomenal last night.  It was his 21st straight appearance, which is far too much, but he now gets a week of well-earned rest.  We had been calling for Brent Johnson to start this game, but apparently the Pens coaching staff knows more than we do.

- Or, perhaps, we know the same thing, which is that the Pens don't have any confidence in Johnson right now.  He is 2-5-0-2 with a 3.47GAA and .876 save percentage.  Those are horrendous numbers.  The last two times the Pens gave him a start, he was yanked and replaced by Fleury (both games were losses).  As reader P.Co pointed out in the comments a few days ago, starting goalies win championships in the spring, but backup goalies win them in January and February.  Johnson has earned at least one or two more chances before the trade deadline to solidify his position as the Pens' backup for the playoffs.  But that's about it.

- Here's a task for someone with access to the coaching staff.  Ask them whether the Pens' defensemen are coached to not tie up opposing forwards in front of the net.  By my unofficial count, the Pens allow approximately 79.8 guys per game to stand untouched in front of Fleury.  It's possible that this is a deliberate strategy by the Pens -- if the defensemen tie up the forwards, that means the D are also locked up, making it harder for them to get loose pucks in the corner.  It's also possible that this is a bad strategy.

- Rumors abound that the Pens are interested in Hal Gill.  We approve.

- Eric Tangradi was scratched last night in favor of Steve MacIntyre, who justified the coaches' confidence in him by taking a ridiculous tripping penalty during his 3:52 of ice time.  Shero has to seriously consider moving Tangradi while he still has some value.  If he still does.

- In the four games since Letang has been back, Deryk Engelland has played 14:31, 10:29, 10:36, and 11:48.

- A seven game win streak is absolutely huge going into the All-Star break. Given everything that's happened this season, we'll take this all day.

Go Pens.

**For reader Bryan**

What hands by Kunitz.

Crosby's at the beach? Uhh, Ok.

By Finesse

According to Dan Bylsma, Sidney Crosby is staying in California during at least some of the All-Star break to go to the beach.  You'll recall that Crosby originally went to California to visit with a renowned neurological spine specialist. This on the heels of another trip to Florida, and maybe Atlanta, to see Ted Carrick, a chiropractor who treats concussions.

Bylsma's quote:

"Not a timetable because it's possible he could stay there for a little bit of a break as well," Bylsma said of Crosby. "Not a definitive day back in Pittsburgh because he'll be staying on the beach for a little bit."

Forgive us for being skeptical.  Some will take Bylsma and the Pens at their word and think fun thoughts of Sid hitting on the girls from Laguna Beach.  Not at GTOG.  No matter how much positive spin the Pens try to put on Crosby's cross-country trips to physicians of unrelated specialties in order to treat a "concussion," we've been burned enough times.  Our walls are up.

We've reached the point where no news is bad news.  And that stands until we hear otherwise, from Crosby himself.

Go Pens.

GTOG Podcast: Bachelor Episode 4 Recap

What an emotional night.  In the first podcast Artistry has recorded since moving back to Pittsburgh, we discuss what it was like for him to watch The Bachelor with his dad, what Emily was thinking when she threw Courtney under the bus, and which Woman should have offered to sacrifice herself for the greater good.  Get the tissues out.  It's the raw emotion podcast.

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Bachelor Contestant: "Not happy about how this is gonna be played out tonight"

By Finesse

Bachelor contestant Samantha Levey is at it again.  Just a few weeks after she gave a "premature f*ck you" to ABC for its "fake and bulls**t editing job," she expresses that she is again "not happy" about tonight's episode, via Facebook.

Going to go out on a limb here: Samantha is not going to get the fairy tale ending.

GTOG Weekend Wrap: Pens Win; Insufferable Super Bowl Matchup

By Finesse

So much going on, so little time.  A few things to hold us over until Episode IV: Attack of the Eyelash Extensions.

- Just as it was unwise to bury the Pens afte the 6-game losing streak, it is equally unwise to coronate them  during the current 6-game win streak.  There are two things happening right now: Malkin is setting the world on fire, and the Pens are holding their place in the standings until Decision Day comes for Ray Shero.  When the world was ending less than two weeks ago, we told you not to panic.  We said the key date is February 20th, one week before the trade deadline.  By then, we'll know whether Sid has a legitimate shot at returning this season.  And if he doesn't....

- Not to rain on the parade, but the one concerning thing about the Pens' winning streak is that it is so dependent on one line.  Unofficially, Malkin and Neal have contributed to 142% of the Pens' goals in January.  It's never a bad thing that one line is doing too much, but it is a bad thing when the other lines aren't doing enough.

- If the Pens don't have enough confidence to start Brent Johnson tomorrow night in St. Louis, which would give Fleury a nine day break between starts (because of the All-Star game), then it's official that the Pens have no confidence in BJ.  Twenty-one straight appearances for Flower is too much.

- I'm not sure that either of the best teams won yesterday's conference championship games.  But I am sure that I won't be watching Sports Center for the next two weeks.

Instant Reaction: Malkin-Neal, Neal-Malkin; Pens Win 4-3

By Finesse

That one felt really good.  At some point in the relatively near future, we'll start complaining that the Pens are relying too heavily on the Malkin-Kunitz-Neal line.  But not today.  Go Pens.  Full recap tomorrow.

GTOG On the Record: NFL Championship Week

For historical purposes:

Artistry

New England 31, Baltimore 17. This is in no way objective and driven solely by a desire to see Baltimore lose.

Giants 24, 49ers 10. Niners can't contend with that d-line.

Finesse

New England 34, Baltimore 20. I want Baltimore to win. But they aren't going to.

49ers 23, Giants 20. Can't live in a world where for two straight weeks we have to hear, "Look, maybe Eli is the best Manning after all..."

Joe Paterno Passes Away

By Finesse

Joe Paterno passed away this morning.  He was 85.

Tough times in Happy Valley.

GTOPG: Perspective from a patriarch; Pens Win 5-4

By Finesse

I didn't watch the game last night, so I was planning on posting the highlights, using some hyperbolic analogy to describe Malkin's one-timer, and mentioning Artistry's love of Dustin Jeffrey before calling it a day.  But I woke up to an unsolicited but appreciated email from my dad about the topics dujour and thought, "PIXELS!"

Finesse's Dad's thoughts on the Pens after the jump...

Do you think there is a story about Fleury brewing? First, another high glove-side goal last night - a common theme. He sometimes seems slow to raise the glove high enough. Second - too many games (some of which has to do with subbing for poor performance by Johnson). Do you think that the Pens have lost confidence in Johnson as back-up, since I think he's been pulled in his last two starts? That puts significant pressure on Fleury and also wears him out. Have we found ourselves in a position where we can't trust Johnson to go 60 minutes? They mentioned that Johnson may go against St. Louis as his next start, but that's no easy task either. They will have to figure something out quickly if Johnson plays poorly in that game because getting Fleury into every game to cover for Johnson is NOT the answer. He'll be worn out big-time by the end of the regular season if he can't take a night off with confidence he won't have to go in to clean up.  

If Lovejoy is odd man out now, is there any way to package him and a forward for someone who can score. Who is Sid to play with if/when he returns, because it will be very difficult to break up our current top line and redistribute them back to Crosby? Don't mess with success. Anyone out west (like another Kunitz) we can find in a trade? Ray should be on the lookout. Who wouldn't want to come to Pittsburgh if they were immediately slated to skate on Crosby's wing? And there seems to be injury-related cap money available to pull that off.  

Finally, getting Letang back on defense is every bit the equivalent of getting Crosby back as a center. When he went down, you had to look for a story about his progress, but the guy is unbelieveable. He raises everyone's game because they have so much confidence in him. That diagonal backcheck to prevent a clear scoring chance was amazing. And he throws his body around like nothing ever happened. he's certainly not tentative on his return to the lineup.  

Who will be the headliner in Sunday's first period fight against the Caps? That seems to be the Pens new M.O. But really, who will be watching? It's football, football, football this Sunday.  

No reason to go to the gym today. I already shoveled 3 inches of ice from the driveway so mom could get to work. 

Pitt tonight at 9. Insert yawn here.

Man Down! Man Down!; Bruce Arians Retires

By Finesse

The Leader of Men has lost one of the Men who guides Him in his Leadership of His Men.

Steelers' offensive coordinator Bruce Arians has officially announced his retirement.  B.A., as he is affectionately called by Ben Roethlisberger, is known for opening up the Steelers' offense from the bruising Jerome Bettis days and bringing it more in line with the "Drew Brees Could Realistically Throw For 1,000 Yards in a Single Game" era.  In other words, he gave the responsibility for leading men to the man who leads the men.

"Ok, Ben. Bounce off 4 guys, then throw across your body to Santonio for a touchdown."

This statement from Mike Tomlin has the warmth and fuzziness of an arctic porcupine.

GTOPG: Malkin puts MSG on notice; Pens Win 4-1

By Finesse

Over the past six years, opposing teams have taken several approaches to trying to stop Evgeni Malkin.  None of them work on any sort of consistent basis, but one of the most common tactics is to try to get physical with him to "get him off his game."  The problem with that approach is twofold: first, Geno can be off his game and he is still the best player on the ice.  Second, it activates him emotionally, and an activated Evgeni Malkin is an Evgeni Malkin that's about to humiliate a whole lot of people.

Malkin's patented "I did that in Russia all the time growing up" smirk

So the Rangers took the get physical approach with Malkin early and it backfired.  He was sublime the entire game.  You can't really blame the Rangers for putting all their eggs in the Stop-Geno basket, because somewhat lost in the 4-game win streak for the Pens is the fact that we are basically a one line team.  Unfortunately for everyone else, that one line is destroying everything in its path.

More thoughts after the jump...


- After Malkin scored his empty netter to put the Pens up 4-1, Brandon Prust took a little run at Fleury and the Pens had a power play for the last 35 seconds of the game.  Bylsma, perhaps responding to the run at Fleury, went with the top PP unit.  It's admirable that he coaches until the final horn, but I don't like it.  It's one thing to have Geno out there to go for empty net goals with a two-goal lead -- you do that because you are rewarding him for carrying the team all season.  But the final 30 seconds after you've already scored an empty-net goal is the definition of garbage time.  It's tempting to try to get Malkin the F-you Hat Trick, but it's irresponsible.  Malkin is not Mario Lemieux -- he doesn't know how to glide around away from all contact, swoop in at the last second and bury it.  Malkin is always in the mix.  He grinds on the boards.  He gets in people's faces.  So it's not a good sight to see him getting worked over by two Rangers in the corner with 15 seconds left in a 4-1 game.  That kind of coaching has a familiar smell to it...

- John Tortorella is an excellent coach, but one of the most easy to despise passionately when you're playing against his teams.  But because we hate him so much, we also love reading his quotes after the game when the Pens win.  Our favorite from last night: "[T]hey fed it to us in the third.”

- Letang was back and played over 24 minutes.  Ben Lovejoy is a nice guy and all, but the upgrade in the defense when Letang is slotted in there is astonishing.  It elevated everyone's game. Paul Martin looked like James Norris out there.

- There is a lot of anti Steigerwald/Errey sentiment in cyber-space these days based on the thinking that they suck, they're annoying, or that they're homers.  For what it's worth, I think they do a good job.  Of course they are "homers" -- they basically work for the Penguins, travel with the Penguins, make friends with the Penguins, like the Penguins, and try to portray the Penguins as a likable and successful team so that people will watch the game.  They aren't perfect, but I watch a lot of games on the Center Ice package with opposing announcers, and the Steigerwald-Errey tandem is no worse than anyone else.  (ROOT Sports camera work does suck, though).  If you root for another team, I got news for you -- your announcers are homers, too.  And you like it.

Go Pens.

GTOPG: Pens Win 2-1; The Internet Unites

By Finesse

Today the internet unites against two power-grabs that threaten our fundamental freedoms as Americans.  The first is SOPA, but the more important threat is a bill coming before the D.C. City Council that would allow Ted Leonsis's Verizon Center to hang banners and electric lights of unlimited size on the outside of the building and maybe even block the windows of a gym that I maybe use.  Ted has often felt that the rules should not apply to his facilities -- remember the Verizon Center being ranked as having the most amount of food-safety violations? We do! -- and this is no different.  The bill about the Verizon Center appears to exempt their banners from standards applicable elsewhere in the city.  You can vote against the bill here.

In other news, the Penguins won 2-1 in a shootout over Carolina.  It was a great game and a well-earned two points.  MalkiNeal for MVP.  Three other quick thoughts, courtesy of instant messages from Artistry this morning:

1) Do we need to revisit our condemnation of a Sulivan-Park-Kennedy line? They were nothing short of dominant against Carolina.

2) Watching Geno against the Hurricanes evokes powerful memories of Geno against the Hurricanes.

3) How come Brian Leetch was wearing Paul Martin's uniform last night? Really, how many chances did he have? I've never seen him play such an aggressive offensive game. He has the instincts, but he's not overpowering anybody with that shot. Do you think there is something permanently wrong with PM's wrist? Didn't he have surgery on it? Doesn't seem like he gets anything on his shots.

Go Pens.

Bachelor Episode 3 Recap: The Final Rose in Pictures

By Finesse

[Listen to the GTOG Podcast for an emotional recap of last night's episode]

Let's set the scene.  It's the Rose Ceremony.  Ben has already given out a dozen roses so many of the Women should feel safe.  But they don't feel safe.  They feel scared.  Vulnerable.  Threatened.  Why?  Because of Shawntell Newton, famous for being a contestant on "Brad's Season," who returned to the show unexpectedly because she felt there was a connection between her and Ben that needed further exploration.

Modern day Magellan.

The other Women, who had put in just over a week's worth of tears, eye glitter, and more tears did not appreciate Shawntell coming into their cocktail party -- THEIR COCKTAIL PARTY!!!! -- to see if those few text messages she exchanged with Ben were as meaningful to him as they were to her.

And so it came down to the Final Rose.  One Rose, three Women -- Erika, the law student; Jaclyn, the NFL quarterback; and Shawntell, the funeral director from "Brad's Season."  Let's let the 40+ pictures I took within the span of about 120 seconds tell the story.  After the jump, we pick up right after Erika heroically regrouped from her first fainting episode and get inside the Women's heads to reveal what they were really thinking...

"Nothing to see here! I'm normal! Just dehydrated, not insane.  Carry on."

"I SAID I'M NORMAL! I'M NOT CRAZY! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!"

"With Shawntell, I'm like, you're butt ugly."

"Mmmmm, Marlboros."

"I know what you all are feeling right now.  Drunk."

"Give me the rose.  Give me the rose.  Give me the rose."

"Ohmygod he's not giving me the rose. Ohmygod he's not giving me the rose.  Ohmygod he's not giving me the rose."

"I can't give out this final rose tonight. Because I've never met any of you three."

"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus."

"Deuteronomy! Deuteronomy!"

"Maybe this was a bad idea?"

"Whatever you do, don't make a crazy face."

"No crazy face, no crazy face, no crazy face..."

"Damn it! Why do I always do that?!?!"

"We could have had it aaaa-aalllllll, Rolling in the deeee-eeeep"

"I don't know where I'll be next season.  It's in management's hands."

"Fine, he wants crazy.  I'll give him crazy."

"I will kill you. I will actually make your heart stop beating."

"Look at my face! How can you not love THIS FACE!"

"What about my face?"

"Is that seriously her face?"

"The Sbarro's at LAX closes at 1:00am, I think."

"Yep."

"Aww, I'm so pretty."

"No, guys, it's ok. This is totally normal for me.  It's just that if I don't sit down right now I'm going to die."

"HELP ME SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I WILL F'ING KILL ALL OF YOUR FACES!"

"Ladies. Ben."

"Are you sure you want to get rid of all three of these psychos at once?"
"Chris, honestly, it's 4:30 in the morning, I just want to go to bed."

"Like, seriously, so pretty."

"Ladies, introduce yourselves to Ben, then say your goodbyes."

"Did I do enough to be the Bachelorette next season?"

"Ew don't throw up on my purse!"

"People are in serious danger! Like, people could die!  That would be so gross."

"Attention! Give me attention! Someone! Please!"

"SOMEONE GET SOME WATER!"
"ARE YOU ANEMIC!?!?!?"
"NO, ORANGE JUICE! GET ORANGE JUICE!"
"SAY THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS!"
"HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!"
"OH GOD SOMEONE DO SOMETHING! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!"

"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!"
"LIKE, I JUST CAN'T."
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW! LIKE, I JUST CAN'T!"
"I MEAN, LIKE NO SERIOUSLY YEAH I DON'T KNOW I JUST CAN'T DO THIS!"

"Seriously, do you know how many Yankees I've slept with!! SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Like, seriously, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

"Hey."
"Hi."
"Soo, um."
"Yeah."

"That was such a good conversation!"

"Does that direct message I sent him on Twitter mean nothing!?!?!"

"Ok, so he doesn't like me. It doesn't mean we aren't in love."

"Wait, maybe the problem is that I didn't stalk him enough?"

"PANIC! EVERYONE PANIC!"

"I am so going to keep stalking him."

"Cheers!"