[Don't forget to check out the Raw Emotion Recap Podcast here]
At the end of every episode of The Bachelor, promises are made. Promises of tears to come. Promises of shocking twists. Promises of swimming pools, wave pools, kiddie pools, lap pools, above ground pools, waterfalls spilling out into pools, and hot tubs, all of which are apparently on the grounds of The Mansion. And if there is one thing you can say about The Bachelor, it's that it never disappoints. It promises the moon, but delivers the sun.
But in a show that somehow manages to cram 11-minutes of content into a 2-hour window, we're still often left with unanswered questions. Today, those questions get answered.
10. Does anyone live in Sonoma?
Apparently not. Ben's first one-on-one date was with sweet southern belle Kacie B., and we know she is a sweet southern belle because Ben asked her almost exclusively about what "the South" was like, simultaneously professing that he loves people from the South but also that he "needs to get down there more," or something. They walked the streets of Sonoma, a city of over 10,000 people, all of whom were apparently home during the one-on-one, save for two random women who knew Ben and may or may not have been part of the "excess" he enjoyed after college when he was making tons of money in Internet advertising.
Seriously, why weren't there any people there? Was the city in quarantine? Was the quarantine ordered by city officials to prevent a Contagion-like outbreak of disease when they learned that Blakeley was coming to town? We demand answers.
9. How did that taste coming out of your mouth?
Bitter. That question, of course, was delivered by Courtney after Kacie B. read the date card, which revealed that Courtney would be the recipient of the coveted second one-on-one. Courtney, who we've been told is afflicted with something women call "stupid mouth," put an entire room of fake-confident ladies on their heels with this simple question. It was cutting, precise, and left no room for interpretation. It's this year's favorite to replace "You are like a toxic disease on this, like, journey" as our phrase-of-the-year.
Our advice to Ben going forward: test whether Courtney is paying attention to your hopes and dreams by repeatedly asking her, "What did I just say?" She will fail this test every time.
8. With Peyton Manning on the mend and the Colts contemplating drafting Andrew Luck, where does that leave Jaclyn?
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| Both could be out of a job by next week. |
7. How many bodies of water are there at the Bachelor mansion?
We're talking about a number somewhere between "water park" and "Olympic training facility." Maybe it's fancy editing, but at one point last night Ben was making out in a small swimming pool with some redhead who has no chance of winning, while the other women were in at least three other pools, including not less than one hot tub. We don't know the logistics of the Cocktail Party, but it is no small undertaking. At one point we thought we heard a loudspeaker say: Ben and Jennifer, please report to pool #4 immediately. Nicki, Casey, Elyse, and Emily you are needed at the west dock for an immediate chicken fight in Pool #6. Lindzi and Monica, take Cobblestone Corner past Jardin du Rhododendron and report to refrigerator #8 for a refill on your 11th glass of white wine. Jenna, just a reminder it is 1:45am and not sunny so you can leave the tanning oil in your room or check it with security located between Hot Tubs 11 and 12.
6. What is the first question you should ask Ben on a one-on-one dinner date?
If it was us, we'd ask, "Is it true you hooked up with Jennifer Love Hewitt?" But if we were contestants on the Bachelor, then we'd follow Kacie B.'s lead and pull straight from Bachelor Playbook Chapter 4: Bypassing Small Talk to Discuss Dead Parents and ask, "What did you learn from your father about what kind of man you want to be?"
Ben's response, summarized: My dad was very boring, so I learned that it's important for a man to be boring. He also wore androgynous shirts that showed the outlines of his nipples. He instilled as a value in me that it's important to leave no mannipple to the imagination. Those are two things that I live by. Family is very important to me.
5. Who is Erika?
No idea. Bonus question: Where have we seen Monica before? No idea, but Finesse's brother knows where we might be able to find her: "Monica looks like a girl you'd meet at a $5 craps table in Reno at 3am smoking a cigarette. I want to be clear, it would not be a good casino. It would be in Reno."
4. What color is Jenna?
When you're dealing with a woman whose skin is reminiscent of the ashes at a copper factory fire, you don't ask what color she is. You ask, "can I melt her down and sell her?"
3. What does it feel like to be like a guy?
Jenna revealed to Ben during part 9 of her 16-part meltdown that she felt a lot like a guy and that this feeling made her uncomfortable in a room full of women. We're not sure how Ben was supposed to respond to this. Should he have said, "I know how you feel, because I'm also a guy?" Slapped her and said, "Get a hold of yourself, man"? Taken her outside to throw a ball around with Jaclyn? Really tough position for both parties.
2. What does kissing Ben feel like?
We posed this question to Kacie, Blakely, Courtney, the redhead in the hot tub, maybe some other woman, and Scotch. Here's what we can take away from it: It's dreamy. It's amazing. It's a feeling they haven't felt in a long time which, in some cases, is particularly hard to believe (coughblakeleycough). Of course, one of the best parts of the Bachelor is that the descriptions of the first kiss never change. How does this happen? Production, that's how. And we've recreated a transcript of the typical producer-contestant interview about describing the first kiss.
Producer: So what was it like kissing Ben?
Contestant: It was great.
Producer: Was it like anything?
Contestant: It was a like a kiss.
Producer: No, I mean was it like anything else. Like something from a fairy tale, or a sunny day?
Contestant: It was just a kiss. It was nice, I liked it.
Producer: Was it like magic?
Contestant: I've never kissed magic.
Producer: No, I know, but I mean in the magical sense.
Contestant: What magical sense?
Producer: Was the kiss magical?
Contestant: No, it was real. We leaned in and kissed.
Produced: Right, right, I get that. I guess I'm thinking metaphorically. Was it magical, metaphorically?
Contestant: Um, not really.
Producer: Hmmm. Ok. Ummmm, can you just say it was magical?
Contestant: Say what was magical?
Producer: Kissing Ben.
Contestant: Uh, I guess so.
[awkward silence]
Producer: Ok...soooo....can you say it?
Contestant: The magical thing?
Producer: Yeah.
Contestant: It was magical.
Producer: What was?
Contestant: Kissing Ben.
Producer: Kissing Ben was.....?
Contestant: Magical.
Producer: Ok, you're doing good, just put it all together for me now.
Contestant: Put what together?
Producer: Kissing Ben wwwwwaaaassss......
Contestant: Kissing Ben was magical?
Producer: It's not a question.
Contestant: What isn't a question?
Producer: You know.
Contestant: Kissing Ben is magical is not a question?
Producer: Cut! I think we got it! Great job.
1. What is Blakely?
There are rumors out there that Blakeley may be a prostitute, but in fairness, we started those rumors and they aren't true. At least not as far as we know. In a situation like this involving a VIP Cocktail Waitress, some might say, "where there's smoke, there's fire." We prefer the saying, "where there's a VIP Cocktail Waitress, there's cocaine."
As we discussed on the podcast, Blakeley curled up behind some suitcases and cried crocodile tears because she realized that this might capture Ben's attention. But after an episode like last night's, we need to follow the advice that Ben gave Blakeley when he discovered her trying to burrow into a Dopp Kit. "Take a minute. Collect yourself."
[Don't forget to check out the Raw Emotion Recap Podcast here]
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