Bachelor Episode 5 Recap: Puerto Rico is an amazing place to, wait for it, fall into the ocean with a naked model with an imploding mouth

By Artistry

Sadly, there is no Raw Emotion Podcast this week, but please keep the angry emails coming because that means you are doing what we've always wanted you to do: be emotional.

So in light of no REP and Finesse's inexcusable failure to even watch the show, here are some rambling thoughts divided into artificial headers at 5:45 a.m.  You know, for the historical record.  If you still need more, you can read our coverage of the whole season here.

Courtney

"I don't doubt that it won't be fun," said a flustered Ben when Bachelor camera-time leader Courtney first suggested they prance around naked in front of an ABC camera crew.

Ben is a good right-hand man.

Nikki

Nikki was fortunate to be with the man of her dreams for the "Unexpected precipitation but remember things don't always work out take it for what it is nothing can rain on this parade roll with the punches go with the flow let's shift gears and buy authentic Puerto Rican clothes I am the luckiest woman on earth I'd like to have a big wedding" date. It was like a romantic comedy, except that these actors couldn't pull it off.

For Jurassic Park fans: "Dodgson! We've got Dodgson here!"

Nikki also wants a second chance at the fairy tale.

Men shouldn't sit in baskets.

More after the jump...

Hooker with a heart of gold really let down her walls

"Yeah, at times it was scary. I mean, you never knew who would be in the hotel room"

Baseball

Baseball group date. This game is hard enough to watch at an elite level. Courtney on Blakely: "Who knew strippers could play baseball."

Bachelor Code §101.456(A)(3)(b): Get the guy in a baseball uniform, ASAP

Jen strikes out to lose the game. Something literary folks like to call "foreshadowing."  She weeps because "time with Ben is precious." She doesn't want to lose that "precious, precious time."

Precious.

Helicopter

Helicopter on the horizon. Somebody makes a comment about how that helicopter better not be coming to pick up the red team. Guess which team it picks up?  Only a matter of time before someone opens fire on a helicopter on this show.

Elyse

"what IS that helicopter?!?!?!?!"

Facebook profile pic candidate test:
Not looking at camera? Check.
Windy? Check.
Tan? Check.
Beach that implies you love to travel? Check.
Verdict: Acceptable.

Elyse has a brutal accent and tan. Also Ben has never talked to her and now she says she wants to get married right now. She says, "I'm sick of being single." Ben: "Just sick of being single? Er..." Then he says unfortunately 6 times in his break up speech. "Unfortunately I just met you, and unfortunately you want to marry me. Unfortunately, that makes no sense, even in this context. And unfortunately, your accent is particularly grating. Unfortunately, the other women are a little better at making me feel comfortable with them declaring me the man of their dreams after a single date, so unfortunately, I cannot give you this rose."

Elyse asks what she did wrong. Ben says, "nothing, you're an incredible woman." There is no evidence that he really thinks this.

The rest of the raw notes

what is going on w kacey b hair? gettin uglier

c mouth is imploding. all this is a metaphor for the season

when women see guy take elyse's bag, they act like someone was just shot. "No!"

Courtney hopes she is a vision after a long day. She isn't.

skinny dip

ben uses the word "rad."

ben says he is blindsided by blakely. she really lets down her walls.

Another classic screwup by emily talking shit on courtney again. ben warns her to tread lightly and drop it.

Jen gets sent home with elyse.

panama city