Frequently Asked Questions: NFC Preview

By Artistry

It's that time of year again already, when we realize at the very last moment that the NFL season starts tonight, and we need to post a hastily drafted preview. And for the second year in a row, my blog partner has managed to duck NFC duty because of an alleged "work" obligation. Much like my toddler when he crawls under the table, squeezes with all his might, and insists he isn't taking a poop, Finesse is under the illusion that I can't see through his charade. But it doesn't matter. The joke is on him, because this year, the NFC is the superior conference. Look at the game tonight: New Orleans at Green Bay is the best Thursday night opener I can remember.* With the Saints, Packers, Eagles, Cowboys, Falcons, Lions, Bucs, and Rams, there are now 8 NFC teams I'll actually be happy to find on TV. Yes, I'm tuning in for Sam Bradford.

What a shirt and tie combination.

I can't remember the last time I felt this way. It takes me back to my youth. What are the 5 most frequently asked questions about this new and improved National Football Conference? I make it up as I go along, after the jump...

1. Which NFC team is most improved at quarterback?

Great question by me. Let's go in order from least improved to most improved.

Seattle (Tavaris Jackson) - You can't really characterize the Seahawks as "Least Improved." Call them "Most Diminished."

Carolina (Cam Newton) - Newton carries himself well, and he could replicate Vince Young's rookie year in terms of combined rushing and passing TDs. You could do worse.

Minnesota (Donovan McNabb) - Prepare for the highest per game average of long play-action touchdown passes plus intermediate passes thrown at receivers' feet in NFL history.

Washington (Rex Grossman) - I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. But Rex looks good.

Arizona (Kevin Kolb) - It doesn't matter if Kolb lives up to his $60 million contract. He is by definition a huge improvement over Derek Andersen and Max Hall.

Detroit (a healthy Matt Stafford) - I'm afraid I have Stafford on way too many fantasy teams.

St. Louis (Bradford, 2nd year as starter) - Just watch. I'm afraid I don't have Bradford on enough fantasy teams.

2. Are we falling for Dallas this year?

No earthly idea. Sorry. They could go 7-9 or 12-4. It's impossible to separate the hype from reality with this team. I have, however, bought into the hype to some degree, because I drafted their kicker in multiple fantasy leagues based on the theory that they'll score a lot of points. And I mean it when I tell you that all I know is their kicker's first name is Dan.**


I think this is Dan.

3. Can Jim Harbaugh turn Alex Smith into a good NFL quarterback?

No. Do you know how many years Alex Smith has been in the league? SEVEN. If you'll recall, Smith was San Francisco's choice as the first pick in the draft when they passed on the guy playing college ball in their own backyard. You know, Aaron Rodgers. Oops. Alex Smith will never be good, but maybe he can be serviceable. The Niners have weapons on offense now to go with a pretty good defense. If Smith can just get close to Jeff Garcia level, this could be a playoff team in that sorry division.

"Hand it to Frank Gore. You can do this." 

2. Will Michael Vick be a disappoinment or a huge disappointment?

I'm going with disappointment. He will still pile up stats against lesser teams, he will still make breathtaking plays, I will gladly start him on my fantasy team, but expectations are far too high. Fast defenses will get to him, and that's not an analysis grounded in watching him flounder against the Steelers this preseason. Check out how he did against the Vikings and Packers in the last two meaningful games he played.

1. Will the Packers repeat?

As long as Rodgers is under center, they will get back to the Super Bowl. The offense should actually be improved, with Jermichael Finley posing an absolutely impossible matchup for defenses already struggling to defend Rodgers throwing bullets 40 yards downfield to 5 solid wideouts. All Rodgers has to do is throw the ball within 10 yards of Finley's torso. Finley will get his hands on it.  It doesn't much matter if Ryan Grant even plays. The defense is terrific. Who's going to beat the Packers? The Saints? Possibly. If Mark Ingram is as good as advertised and Colston can stay on the field. The Eagles? Not buying them.  I see a Green Bay-Pittsburgh rematch, and I will personally inject James Harrison's back with horse painkillers to ensure this happens.

Enjoy the game, and check back to Friday for Finesse's AFC preview.

* I can't even remember last year's Thursday night opener.
** This paragraph was copied and pasted verbatim from last year's preview, but the name "Dan" replaces the name "David."

GTOG Podcast: Talking Crosby, Twitter, the Steelers, and Some Other Stuff

It's the triumphant return of a long overdue podcast.  On the heels of a tumultuous day, we talk about the KHL tragedy, the Sidney Crosby announcement, Twitter, the Steelers and, obviously, the Bachelor.  Plus, a big announcement.

You can listen below, or click here to subscribe on iTunes.

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He's listening. Are you?

Retirement? I wouldn't bet on that: Sidney Crosby is a Vestibular Ferrari

By Artistry

We still have no idea when Sidney Crosby and his elite vestibular system will play hockey again. We were confident Wednesday's press conference wasn't going to clear anything up on that front, and it didn't. But Dr. Mickey Collins today used the words "excellent" and "supremely confident" in connection with Sid's prognosis. And when a CNBC reporter suggested the Penguins captain maybe should just go ahead and retire, Crosby almost killed the guy with his stare. There was no hesitation. No doubt. Sidney Crosby is still with us. He's just waiting for ignition.

We're talking Sid tonight on the podcast, so make sure you tune in. For now, take heart. Dr. Ted Carrick says it's Christmas for Crosby.

A Tale of Three Announcements

By Finesse

There were three enormous announcements made today.  Some were riveting, others put you to sleep.  Some made you cry, others made you cry harder.  Some were interesting, and others were made by Alex Ovechkin.

Let's take them one at a time.

Ben Flajnik is going to be the new Bachelor

There are a lot of newspapers that have a rule requiring that two sources confirm a story before the paper runs with it.  We have a rule that we don't believe someone has been picked as the Bachelor until he tweets out the word "journey."  So despite weeks of rumblings that Ben F. was the new Bachelor, we weren't convinced until this tweet came across our feed just a short time ago.

That's how you make an announcement.  Here's hoping that he learned a lesson from his runner-up finish on this summer's The Bachelorette: it's OK to lament the loss of a parent, but if you're going to cry, Artistry would prefer that you cry about Ashley, not said dead parent.

Alex Ovechkin is switching from CCM to Bauer

Hopefully writing about this will not serve to convince you that we care.  Because we couldn't possibly care about something less. Witness, this tweet from James Mirtle:

Boy, isn't that something.  His first insight should be to figure out how to make more interesting announcements.  Word is that Bauer is also donating 108 sets of equipment to kids at the Caps local practice facility.  Kids can pick up their equipment by center ice while the puck is in the Caps' zone.

Sidney Crosby will be holding a press conference tomorrow

At this point, no one really knows what the press conference will be about, but we can deduce one thing for certain: it's not going to be "good" news.  It's likely that Sid will describe his ups and downs from training this summer and maybe even make some pronouncement about his future.  If you're expecting him to be ready for the start of training camp or even the start of season, then you might be concussed.  There has been almost no positive news since Sid sustained the concussion(s), and there is no reason to think this will be any different.  Best case scenario is more of the same: "I'm making progress, but I'm not 100%.  I'll be back when I'm ready.  I don't know when that will be."

"I look forward to continuing to look awkward in RBK commercials."

If we sound pessimistic, it's because we are.  We've erected our walls.

What about yours, Ben?

GTOG's Official 2011 College Football Preview

By Finesse

Conducted with the rhetorical flourish of ESPN's College Game Day, here's a transcript of GTOG's official college football preview.

Generic Host: So GTOG, who do you like this year in college football?

Artistry: Well, you look at Oklahoma and you look at Alabama.  And then obviously you have the Pac-10 and Oregon and then Texas and the Big 12.  Ohio St., obviously.  And Florida with the SEC and Coach Hoke with Michigan.  Obviously there's that and then you have the SEC the best conference.  But Wisconsin and even of course Florida St.  What about you, Finesse?

Finesse: Well, you have the running game obviously with what they do with the football on the offensive side of the football.  But I like the Big 10, though it's more like the Big-12.  HAHAHAHA.  You have South Carolina, of course, and what they're doing.  Boise St. with the blue field and Stanford with the west coast and everything they have going on there.  Then there's the coaches at Arkansas and Notre Dame.  And you know, you have Auburn, Florida and Missouri, too.

Artistry: I agree with you about the running game, but you also have to look at the spread offense.  Of course you have Nebraska and Georgia with their defenses and what they're doing on the defensive lines.  All the stunting.  You look at LSU and then you have to look at Texas too with that program.

Finesse: I disagree. I think you have to look at the coaching situations at Texas A&M and Oklahoma St. and with their secondaries and everything on the defensive side of the football.  I like Oregon and what Coach Saban does at Alabama with the turnaround at Nebraska you could see, too.  But their schedule is tough, though the linebackers and of course the quarterback situation with Virginia Tech and everything that's going on there.

Artistry: On the football field you look at what's happening on the offensive side of the football field and you look at that what with the quarterbacking and the spread offense and I think that's a dangerous combination. I like them, too.

What Can't Grantland Rank? We Rank Grantland's Rankings

By Finesse

If you're like me, then you wake up at least 3 times per week in a panicked sweat wondering, "How am I going to decide who is better between Aretha Franklin and Whitney Houston?"  Thankfully, Grantland.com is dedicated to devising numerical ranking systems to rank things that aren't numerical and that no one wants ranked.

Always <3

For example, Jay Caspian Kang's "Diva" rankings (created for a different website in 2010 to settle Aretha vs. Whiteny once and for all) have been brought to Grantland to help us understand just how Adele could let the opportunity to surpass Lady Gaga as the world's #1 pop star slip through her fingers at the VMAs.  And thanks to Katie Baker's "NUPTIALS" scoring system, we now know that it is better for an Asian to marry a blonde (3 points) than for a Jew to marry an Asian (2 points). Or consider Chuck Klosterman's "Rock VORP," a baseball-statistic-inspired way of teaching us that Thin Lizzy was better than The Stooges because Thin Lizzy is a 0.88 and The Stooges are only 0.84.

But that's just scratching the surface.  The one-named "Carles" organized NBA players by degrees of self-awareness.  Chuck Klosterman used 2,000 words to dissect "Edgar Winter's Finest Nine Minutes," which sounds like a porno.  Dave Jacoby has a Reality TV Fantasy League Scorecard which is actually kind of funny, but still leans heavily on the arbitrary points system as a crutch.  Harris Wittles gave us a "power ranking" of Twitter's all-time most egregious Humblebraggers and promises us that he will supplement this list monthly.  (We're holding you to that, Wittles).  And if you've ever needed proof of Adam Carolla's theory that America doesn't have any real problems despite all of the negative things you read about in the paper, someone named Steve Kandell wakes up every Monday morning and ranks Breaking Bad, Larry David, and Louis CK.

You get the point.*

There's only one way to make sense of all this.  A rankings system.  We've created the W.A.S.T.E. Algorithm to determine once and for all what the best rankings are on Grantland.

Explore the ranking system after the jump....


"W"ords

Brevity is of no moment on Grantland.

< 1,000 words = -10 points.  Why even bother?
1,000 to 1,250 words = 0 points
1,251 to 1,600 words = 3 points
1,601 to 2,000 words = 8 points
2,000 - 5,000 words = 15 points
> 5,000 and you're hired as a full-time writer.

The first 10 footnotes are each worth 0.5 points, but every footnote after the 10th is worth an additional point.  A footnote within a footnote counts as 2 points, but the original footnote retains it's normal score.  Mistakes caught by Deadspin do not count toward the total word count.

R"A"ndomness

Ask yourself, why did this person rank this?  If your answer is "I have no idea" then award 20 points.  For every person or entity in the rankings who you've never heard of, award 5 points per person/entity.  If there is video involved, award 5 points for every minute of the video that you haven't ever seen before, but subtract one point for every minute of the video that you are able to watch without closing the window.

Random guy.  Let's rank him.

Uselessne"S"s

The Usefulness category is designed to answer the question, "what am I supposed to do with these rankings?"  With that in mind, award points as follows:

- Help you better understand something you are going to watch on TV: -10 points
- Give you a piece of information you can quote to your friends: -5 points
- Assist you in blindly stereotyping people from their wedding photos: 10 points
- Print them out just so you can throw them away: 20 points
- If you don't want the rankings and cannot possibly for the life of you fathom why someone is ranking these things: 50 points.

Concei"T"

Here we're measuring how much smarter the writer feels than you.

- Writer high-fived him/herself in the mirror after coming up with the rankings: 1 point
- For every use of the word genius, savant, virtuoso, brilliant, or ingenius: 3 points per word
- Writer kissed himself in the mirror: 5 points

- Writer resents people who use a Mac because he had one first: 6 points
- Writer used to use a Mac but doesn't anymore because it's too trendy: 12 points
- Writer is wearing ironic glasses frames: 15 points (2 point bonus for beard)
- Guy writing about humblebraggers humblebrag-tweets about his humblebrag column: 20 points
- The rankings column loses it's rhythm midway through because the author stopped to smell his own farts: 25 points



Untim"E"liness 

One steadfast rule for rankings: the older and less relevant, the better.  That's why Jonah Keri's baseball trade deadline power rankings were so annoying -- they were made, like, right at the trade deadline.  We prefer obscure songs from 1973.  Subtract the year of the things you are ranking from 2011.  If the rankings span more than one year, take the average of all the years and subtract it from 2011.

But if you're Katie Baker, and you're ranking the wedding section of the New York Times, just stop.  Because you win.

*In response to the inevitable, "hahah, idiot, you're obsessed with Grantland" response, here's the response. We haven't actually read a single one of these "rankings" columns.  We just notice how often they show up, so I ran a search for "ranking" on the site.  Does not having read these columns we're criticizing diminish the credibility of this post?  Yes, it does. Thank you.

Largely Hypothetical Penguins Prospect Profile: Keven Veilleux

By Artistry

Welcome to the second installment of our sporadic feature leading up to Penguins training camp, where we analyze prospects based on factors including but not limited to seeing them play maybe one time, tops, their pedigree, their looks, and how they make us feel inside. In case you missed the first profile, Finesse gave Simon Despres high marks based on a combination of pure speculation and the fact that he has a great name.

Today's subject: 2007 2nd round draft pick Keven Veilleux. We clearly recall the team drafting the big center out of St. Georges, Quebec and thinking, "He's tall." We stand by that initial assessment. At 6'5" and 215 pounds, he is still tall, but we would also point out that Sidney Crosby's thighs alone weigh like 215 pounds.  Put some meat on those bones, kid.  If he fills out, the Pens could have something interesting here.  He has an awful haircut, which, as you know, is a terrific sign for a hockey player.

Perfection.

We understand Veilleux has unusual puck skills for someone super-tall and that he was a wizard during summer shoot-out sessions. To confirm this, we turned to his Wikipedia page, but unfortunately, we don't speak French Wikipedia. Lucky for us then that @Allie874 tweeted a highlight video of young Veilleux, so see for yourself.



Looks like he does have nice hands. He is also clearly not afraid to use them to pummel smaller players, and, while we can't in good conscience advocate these huge men punching each other in the head anymore, it's encouraging to see Veilleux has an edge to his game and knows how to plant himself in front of the net.

His name? "Keven" is ridiculous. You had "Vincent" sitting right their, Mr. and Mrs. Veilleux, and you tried to get cute. Big mistake, but not fatal. We have hopes for "Keven." Hopes that he could be the power forward Eric Tangradi should be, but probably isn't. Not high hopes, mind you, not Simon Despres hopes, but "Keven" could sneak up on you like one of his blink-and-you-missed-it wristers under the crossbar.