Forget the Earthquake: 5 Other Signs of the Apocalypse

By Artistry

OK, maybe none of these things are necessarily apocalyptic, but they're not good. Open your eyes people. Open your eyes.

5. WNBA rookie Jantel Lavender allegedly assaulted her ex, slamming his head into the wall and launching a devastating kick right into what the ex-boyfriend told police is his "growing [SIC] area." (Via @lindsapple)

Ordered to stay at least 100 yards away from growing area

4.  Kevin Stevens ate Tom Barrasso. Don't believe it? Well, for one thing, did you see Barrasso during the 1991 Stanley Cup team golf outing? No, you didn't. For another, Tom Barrasso was always a bit of an a--hole, am I right? This just makes sense.


There's a team in the belly.

3. The zeitgeist is turning from concern about Sidney Crosby's health to criticism of his telephone etiquette. When someone says, "How are you," the proper response is apparently either "I'm skating" or "I'm irreparably concussed, and you?"  Nobody has any patience for ambiguity, ok Sid?

2. People in Boston really don't believe that Matt Cooke is a human being.

1. Move over Ashley, ABC found someone just as not charismatic to steal your spotlight. Ben Flajnik is the new Bachelor. Get in line, Ladies. You bring the sunscreen, he'll bring the see-through shirt that ensures you cannot take your eyes off his man-nipples.

Stunned.