The Bachelorette Episode 2 Recap: Just, Like, Have Faith in the Process

By Artistry and Finesse

Every season of The Bachelorette has a second episode, and every second episode is the same.  It starts with a magical one-on-one date with the first Gentleman, leaving our Bachelorette feeling "exactly where she is supposed to be."  Ben F. went so far as to call this initial date "huge."  We couldn't agree more.  That is followed by a large group date, involving anywhere from 10-15 of the Gentlemen, only 2 or 3 of whom are real contenders.  The group date is designed to showcase "personalities," so, naturally, the Gentlemen are forced to do something they don't want to do and that you want to fast forward through.  Meanwhile, back at the Mansion, the four or five Gentlemen who have not yet had "one-on-one time" with the Bachelorette wonder what it all means...does she not like me?  Or does she like me so so much?  Who is staying awake to watch West tonight?**  Will I ever get to meet the Bachelorette?

Winning Formula

The name that shows up on the second one-on-one Date Card is guaranteed to get the Rose and likely a kiss, or, in the case of Ashley, she will press her mouth against yours and blow air into your esophagus.  By the time the Rose Ceremony comes along, there is terrible angst settling in amongst the Gentlemen who have yet to meet the Bachelorette because they feel so strongly that if given the chance to introduce themselves to her, there would be a "connection."  The Bachelorette, especially a veteran of "the process" like Ashley, can immediately sniff out this insecurity and will undoubtedly seek to reassure these Gentlemen that she is so happy to have met them and wants them to "just, like, have faith in the process."  Those who have the faith in the process will get to participate in the process for a few more weeks, while those whose names you have never heard will not receive the Rose and will disclose during their final interview something to the effect of, "I haven't had a girlfriend in nine years."

How sure are we that we have this formula down? We managed a compelling 13 minute Raw Emotion podcast on Monday night, and Artistry hadn't even watched the show yet.  Now that we're both up to speed, here's what else we can tell you:

What we can tell you, after the jump...

- As Ashley and William emerge in Las Vegas for the first date of the episode, it's immediately clear that the Bachelorette is already a bit of a celebrity.  It's equally clear she has no clue how to handle it.  Several female fans reacted to her with the familiarity of an old camp counselor, and she could only respond by grabbing poor William, frantically pointing at him, and repeatedly squeezing his face.  Stand still, Ash. Whether these fans are there for the right reasons or are plants by ABC to convince us that America is rooting for Ashley is still an open question.

- What follows is a bizarre exercise in which Ashley and William pretend to prepare for a wedding, then actually begin to exchange marriage vows.  "Oh my, what do we do now," Ashley exclaims. "We're going to be legally married!" William looks like he's going to throw up, but somehow musters an "I do."  You can go ahead and tattoo "Here for the right reasons" on his face.  This does wonders for the perpetually fragile and insecure Ashley.  "You're the cutest thing ever!" she shrieks. "This is the best first date ever!"  Follow that up on an over-sized concrete lilly pad in the middle of the Bellagio fountains with a quick "My dad was an alcoholic beaten to death on the side of the road and I still wear the watch that stopped ticking the minute he died" story from William and a "my Dad is an alcoholic too and it's been an ongoing, like, struggle" from Ashley, and yep, that's a Rose for William.  Or, as William said while the fountains exploded, "This is for us."  Amen.

- Next up is the group date.  Ashley decides to go for the Marianne from "Gilligan's Island" look, no doubt seeking a counterbalance for the very Ginger jabberwocky dance performance to come. 

Striking, Like, the Right Balance

The men aren't really the dancing types, but that's not important right now.  They all dance, poorly, in disturbing masks, for an entire segment, while intermittently commenting on how hot Ashley looks when she tries to channel Jennifer Beals, which she does at least once an episode.  Alleged murderer West announces "I'm not going back to LA.  I don't care what we have to do." Gulp.

Or else.

- Ashley treats the winning dance squad to a series of intimate conversations that tell us pretty much everything we need to know about these Gentlemen.  To wit:

• To fellow dentist Blake, Ashley remarks "I see so much of myself in you."  Order?  Check.  Precision?  Check.  An utter lack of charisma?  Check.  We could be heading for a Brad Womack-Michelle Money style "We're too much alike" confrontation, but color us stunned if this Gentleman gets more than a minute of air time the rest of the season.  Maybe these two have a torrid affair at a dental conference in their distant future, but not now. 
• "You're scaring me," Ashley tells West, as he prepares to hit her with carefully selected portions of his backstory. Good instincts. Says West, "I've learned to cherish every moment with loved ones."  Until you murder them. Allegedly.**
• Ashley "has a great body, amazing butt, rocking legs, and having her tickle my [bleep], I mean, that would be amazing," Bentley observes.  We suspect he says this to all the girls at the "Family Fun Center."  

- Speaking of Bentley, Ashley also reveals that she found out Bentley wasn't there for the right reasons via text message, and word is that the text came from the legendary Michelle Money herself.  The GTOG Newsroom immediately contacted our sources, and procured a copy of the actual text message:

Ash- Bentley is TFTWR. keep ur <3 protected. Go find a guy who appreci8s u then swallow his tongue. lol.

- Despite this dire text, Ashley can't keep her Walls up around anyone with the savvy to exploit her low self-esteem.  That, Bentley can do.  At the mere suggestion that he may not have the strength to continue the Journey, Ashley literally begs him to stay.  "Please stick around.  Just please, please, please stick around.  Please, please, please."

- GTOG CONSPIRACY THEORY ALERT.  It doesn't take a logician to do what we do, but it's a damn good thing we're licensed.  Consider:

• Michelle Money has a daughter.
• Michelle Money went on the Bachelor
• Michelle Money was TFTWR.
• Bentley has a daughter.
• Bentley is on the Bachelorette.
• Michelle reported to Ashley that Bentley was TFTWR.

Conclusion?  Michelle and Bentley made a baby.  Probably for the wrong reasons.

- As a friend of the blog pointed out this morning, Ashley speaks to these Gentlemen as if they are puppies.  Consider her response to "Gorgeous" Mickey's revelation that he is an only child.  "Ooooooonnnnnnnllllleeeeeee cccchhhhhhhiiilllllllllllldd?!?!!?? Woooooowwwwwww."  Ashley also responded predictably to Mickey's disclosure that his mother had died: that is, with a rose and a kiss.  If a contestant ever came on the show with a dead mother, an alcoholic father, a dead spouse, and a disabled child, he'd get to 3rd base in the driveway.

"HOW MANY OF YOUR LOVED ONES ARE DEAD?!?! TELL ME NOW!"

- We learned that the last time Ashley cried was when she was watching last season of the Bachelor.  Same for us.

- We also learned that Ashley can shill with the best of them.  About her date with Mickey, she remarked softly, "I had such a magical night with Mickey ... [ad sales guy panicking in the background] ... here at the Mandalay Bay!" 

- If you're going to wear a mask on a reality show, you're creepy.  If you swim with that mask on, you're extra creepy.  If you go #2 with the door open in a house full of strangers, you're gross and extra creepy.  But if, on top of that, you decide that it is a good idea to corner Ashley on the steps with no access to the exits before discussing why you are wearing the mask, then GTOG can understand your ex-wife's "untruthfulness."  

- It was a night of redemption for Chris Harrison.  After a slow start to the season (he called it "exciting" instead of "shocking" -- huge mistake by him), he upped the energy for the Rose Ceremony, telling the Gentlemen that Ashley already has strong feelings for several people and seeming completely on board with Ashley lecturing the group, again, to "have faith in the process."  By the time there was only one rose left, and Chris came out to remind everyone, "Ashley. Gentlemen. That's the final rose tonight. When you're ready," we knew our hero was back.  Unreal performance.  And his blog -- dripping with intensity.

Beast.

- Finally, the night ended with goodbyes to Matt, Stephen, and Ryan M.  Devastating, of course, but each of them had a fatal flaw: Matt's mom is alive; Stephen never got to meet Ashley; and Ryan M., had to clear the way for Apollo Ryan P.  But don't lament.  The road to the fantasy suite is paved with broken hearts.

###

Make sure you follow us on Twitter, and don't hesitate to tweet @Shawntel_Newton and/or @MoneyMichelle to tell them A) We are not stalkers; and B) They should spend 5 good minutes with us on the Raw Emotion podcast.

**GTOG recognizes the sensitivities surrounding these types of jokes.  And we hope you recognize them as jokes.

GTOG Raw Emotion Podcast: The Bachelorette Episode 2

In a stunning development, we discuss our raw emotions from Episode 2 of The Bachelorette with one of us having not even seen the episode.  Needless to say, there is a lot of disappointment, a lot of grief, and a lot of self-examination.

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If you read GTOG, then you knew this was coming.

Today in That's a Mario Lemieux Goal: Poor Donnie Beaupre

Happy Memorial Day.

RHONY Episode 8 Recap: Snakes on a Plane

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Did you know that “Ya Habibi” means darling in Arabic? Damn it, LuAnn is gonna make “darling” happen. She is very present in this episode, as Morocco is her trip and gift to the ladies. The markets, the dessert, the spices, it's her pleasure. The Brunettes go first on the first class flight. Blondes will come the next day.

The riad, or private house where they are staying, is gorgeous. Brad Pitt apparently just left. Kelly loves the luminousness or luminosity (real words?) of the yellow light but ends up with the red room.

Blondes on the plane. Ramona is nervous. She needs her nice bedding and her Pinot. She doesn’t know what to expect from Morocco so she’s called ahead with many demands, including hangers. Alex is so excited to have two seats to herself. It’s interesting how Alex is very much on her own this season, while in previous seasons Simon and she were one. Viewers really did not like Simon and Bravo has taken note. I think he made her more interesting.

Makes Everything More Interesting

Sonja is also anxious about Morrocco. I mean, she has many friends with fabulous houses there, but she’s still not sure if where they are staying will have a bathtub.

Apparently Ramona doesn’t like dust or poverty. Alex has the decency to be embarrassed by the way Sonja and Ramona are acting towards their driver and the staff at the riad, who stand at attention upon their arrival.

More adventures in Morocco, after the jump...

These blondes all have the same colorist! Sonja is very worried about the staff stealing her luggage. She’s stayed in royal palaces before. You do NOT just leave your luggage. I keep waiting for her or Ramona to insult Muslims.

Right away there is tension between the Blondes (minus Alex) and the Brunettes. Ramona needs someone to help her unpack and an awesome maid shoots her the most hateful look as she hangs up the s---loads of clothes Ramona brought. Luckily she called ahead to secure extra hangers. She lifts her hand weights, which she also always calls ahead for. I had no idea you could do that. Next time I visit my parents I am so calling ahead with a list of demands!

Here comes LuAnn in a confessional. Darling, at the market you want to be modest.

The Brunettes are sitting around having tea, talking plastic and porno. Ramona is trying to keep up with the fountain of youth and thinks plastic surgeons are the answer. Watching real people have sex, is like, gross and weird.

Oh snap. Someone took Cindy’s hangers. Guess who? Cindy seems a bit more indignant than she should. She seems like an OK person but did she not watch this show before she signed up? Her sense of humor seems a little lacking, though I can’t blame her for thinking the Blondes minus Alex are pretty silly. Ramona and Sonja are acting like the two girls in junior high who gang up on the third. Ramona thinks Cindy needs a hanger up her butt. Ouchy. LuAnn knows where to get more hangers. Alex looks so helpless.

Ramona and Sonja are trying to sneak off after their romantic comedy trying on clothes and belly chains scene. They need a car ride -- motion to fall asleep, like toddlers. They are not going along with LuAnn’s planning and don’t want to hang out with the others. Lu’s being a bit of a “Partyr,” which is a party planner who’s also a martyr (Sheer Elegance ™).

Ooh Kelly is dissing on Sonja’s townhouse. It hasn’t been renovated since, like, the 1900’s. Kelly has been talking trash much more lately – either she doesn’t know the cameras are on or else she has decided to play tough with these other animals. LuAnn is very choosy about who she disses and when she decides to be self righteous – here she cuts Kelly off and won’t let her go on about Sonja’s desire to live a fancy lifestyle beyond her ex-husband. Perhaps it hits too close to home?

Shopping, touching fabrics, jewelry. Is this still the same day? WTF – out of nowhere, Jill’s gay ex-husband Brad is here! He has a house in Marrakesh. But it seems like he is someone else’s gay husband now. Funny how he is acting like he doesn’t know the housewives are this season – like he doesn’t follow the show. Yeah right. But he does know Ramona and he does not likey. So … he will have a party for them at his house! Yay!

LuAnn is so annoying. Let’s go put our caftans on and meet in the library for a surprise. Who says that? Her face when she sees how plastered Ramona and Sonja are after their excursion is classic! R and S wanted to passive aggressively show LuAnn what they thought of her hostess act, so they went to a nearby 5 star hotel and had some champers and now are accusing the Brunettes of being bumps on log.

Kelly is eating jelly beans again. Let the games begin.

Lu’s surprise is that she has brought a designer by to design. Ramona is embarrassing everyone with her bad French and terrible manners – she is ordering this guy around like he is Sonja’s butler. Alex is mortified and she should be. This poor guy.

Drunk girl Sonja makes some more sexual innuendos – channeling Sex and the City part 5 when Samantha becomes a divorced woman who does her own hair.

Ramona asks the designer to put a log on the fire. It’s a riad not jihad – nice one Sonja.

Speaking of SATC, the ladies are trampling through the souk in their Manolos (I really hate when people say they are wearing “their Manolos,” it just really grates doesn’t it?) dressed to the nines. The Souk is scary and magical and mysterious, yes, clichéd, yes too. Brad is in his kingdom, though it turns out, Jill snarkily tells us, it’s the bed and breakfast he’s staying in, not his house. I wonder what happened between he and Jill. This is awkward as hell. I like Cindy’s dress.

Ramona is texting and Sonja is hammered. Cindy is annoyed because Sonja is still going on about the Vivienne Tam thing with the teeth and the Hermes. The mean blonde girls are cackling. Yeah, Cindy really can’t hang.

Cue snake charming. Everyone looks queasy. The snake charmer is actually French kissing the snake. That seems … unusual. Snake is vomiting venom. Sonja is wasted! Jill is being funny. Wrapped in a snake she dances around: “what are you scared of – it’s like a belt!”

Cue dancing. Blondes are shaking their couscous. LuAnn looks like someone stuck a hanger up her butt.

Brad introduces a fortune-teller in a burkha that he knows. Good call fortune-teller – I wouldn’t want my face on this show either. It breaks down like this: Jill has a big heart but talks too much. She should get that on a t-shirt. The fortune-teller sees Kelly with three girls. Kell says she wants another baby so that seems good for her. Sonja – money can’t buy you happiness. LuAnn’s taking notes for her next song. But Sonja does like the nice lifestyle…. Kelly gives her the thumbs up on Brian, the artist with the shaved chest. Kelly translates when Ramona sits down but quickly hightails it out of there, leaving it to LuAnn when the fortune-teller tells: Smoove Mario is cheating. Ooh. Fortune-teller shutting it down. That sucks. Suddenly Ramona is not having so much fun anymore.

Well played Bravo. I'll be back for more next week. Twisty!

xo

Net Mouth Scramble: Sid Check-Up; Comrie and Kovy Check Out; Bruins Checkmate

By Artistry

Greetings on this perfectly lovely start to the Memorial Day weekend. Things are really looking up. For starters, Ray Shero said Friday that we should know sometime this week whether or not it's OK to get excited about next season and confirmed that he hasn't completely lost his mind. Also, phase 1 of my plan to get Shawntel - AKA the Comely Mortician, AKA the Smoking Hot Undertaker - to date Finesse is underway. I'll explain.

- Shelly Anderson reports today that Sidney Crosby will soon be re-evaluated by concussion specialist Michael Collins and - this is where GTOG encourages you to address the higher power of your choice and cash in whatever chips you think you can in order to help make this happen - hopefully will get clearance to begin an offseason workout program.  Everybody is still saying they expect a full recovery in time for the start of the season.

This is What a Full Recovery Looks Like

- Shero confirmed that we won't see Mike Comrie or Alexei Kovalev next year and neither provided nor was asked to provide any further explanation. I think we get it. Talks with Craig Adams have reached an impasse, apparently, but look for that deal to get done almost immediately after the league formally announces that the salary cap is going up in 2011-12.

- In case you missed Friday's spectacular Game 7 in Boston, Nathan Horton got the game's only goal in maybe the most exciting 1-0 game in memory.



I would be remiss if I didn't point out that we told you last June that Florida GM Dale Tallon was crazy to ship Horton and Colin Campbell's son to the Bruins for Dennis Wideman and two draft picks. That's almost Milbury-esque.

- There was some talk on Versus last night about what a nightmare matchup Zdeno Chara will be for the Sedin twins. On the contrary, the guess here is that the Sedin twins are going to make Chara's head spin. Vancouver in 6.

- The Cup Finals don't begin for like 5 more days. No hurry. It's only May 28.

- Finally, we're trying to get Shawntel Newton from last season of the Bachelor to join us for a Bachelorette Raw Emotion podcast.  Once we get her on the line, I'm sure it won't take long for Finesse to convince her he can guard and protect her heart. I tweeted Shawntel on Friday, and though she hasn't completely let down her walls, she did give us a retweet. Let's keep the pressure on. Tweet @Shawntel_Newton and let her know you'd like to hear from her on the @gtogblog podcast.

Come on a Journey With GTOG

Today in That's a Mario Lemieux Goal: When Steiggy Sounded Like a 12-Year-Old

From Lemieux's first game against Gretzky's Oilers.

Today in Ron Cook Poetry: Question America? OK. Question the Rooneys? Way Out of Line.

By Artistry

It takes a lot to get Ron Cook's ire up.  Rashard Mendenhall suggesting the tragedy of 9/11 may have been orchestrated by the United States government and Osama Bin Laden may have had nothing to do with it?  Didn't bother Ron Cook.  Freedom of speech, remember?  It's that freedom of speech thing, again, he probably thought to himself, several times, in paragraph form.  Heck, we've been openly mocking him for a year, and Ron Cook hasn't made a peep in response.  But when James Harrison this week tweeted criticism of NFL owners who voted to codify punishment for dangerous hits?  Ron Cook was apoplectic.  He hasn't been this worked up since the Koreans invaded Oakmont Country Club.  James Harrison, you just made enemies with the wrong asker of rhetorical questions.  With that, we bring you Friday's installment of "Today in Ron Cook Poetry":

Rashard Mendenhall...
That's OK.
We live in America.
James Harrison...
That's unacceptable.
Forget freedom of speech in this case.
I have no problem with Mendenhall's tweet.
I have a big problem with Harrison's.
Like the Steelers are the only defense that hits hard?
Calling Goodell and the others "idiots" is going to help that situation?
Is it just me or is that contradictory?
Like he was going to walk away from his $51.75 million contract?
That $51.75 million contract, remember?

Would Tackle For Free

Wake Up With GTOG: This is How You Close

By Finesse

Herm Edwards is on ESPN2 right now screaming about "closing."  Everyone else is talking about how Dirk Nowitzki, LeBron James, and Dwyane Wade are "closers."  And no matter who it is talking about "closing," he is clicking the "c" sound in the word to the point where you need to change the channel.

LeBron, Wade, and Dirk are fantastic players.  Each of them probably is already among the top-20 guys ever, and depending on their performance in the Finals, each could end up in the top 10.  In fact, LeBron may not have a ceiling.

But with all due respect to those three, there is only one true closer.  And in case you forgot what MJ was capable of, just watch the following video from the 6:45 mark forward.  It's ruthlessly efficient execution of the highest order.



The last 41 seconds of the game is like watching Michaelangelo put the finishing touches on the David.  The only difference being that Michaelangelo probably didn't celebrate by taking a private jet to Cabo to play blackjack at an underground casino.

Today in That's a Mario Lemieux Goal: "He Can Beat Anybody 1-on-1"

And beating Darren Veitch was like taking a shower in the morning for Lemieux.

RHONY Episode 7 Recap: Thug in a Cocktail Dress

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Now we know where this wretched season is leading: to “Exotic, sophisticated, Morocco.” Of course it is. LuAnn has been reading tourism brochures again. Whoever came up with this fakakta idea clearly saw the Sex and the City movie and liked it. Somehow. I’m dubious, but we shall see. I’m only excited about the upcoming trip because we get to see Ramona convulsing on the bed crying like a three year old in an upcoming episode, and that looks pretty promising.


Looking Intensely Forward to Morocco

But this ep is mostly about LuAnn. She is everywhere – bossing and darlinging and pushing Morocco. Has lunch with a sweaty Sonja – fresh from the gym. Fresh from a roll in the hay is more like it -- and LuAnn tells her so like your awkward uncle would. Everyone’s in Italy for truffle season, Sonja says. She is so random.
A toaster oven sighting, bullying, and plastic surgery, after the jump...
LuAnn calls Jill to get her on board for the trip. It's exotic, it's sophisticated, it's like Paris but not. We hear Bawby in the background. Jill’s totally in – not wanting to miss the fun and camera time like she did on Scary Island. Alex of course is available. Kelly doesn’t want to go because she’s scared of Ramona.

LuAnn and Ramona are having tea, which is French in LuAnn’s phrasebook for confrontation. At least when Ramona is nasty to her friends she says it to their faces and not behind their backs like LuAnn. A real philosophical question: is it better to trash your friends to their faces or behind their backs? Discuss. Ramona is upset, and it's clear from her hair in the confessional that her stylist is as well. LuAnn is pious and obnoxious.

Sonja is doing a photo shoot for a toaster oven book. Is this still a thing? Another chance to hire a “celebrity” photographer, more hair and makeup, more panties talk. Sonja shows her vagina accidentally (?) and Kelly says something like, “that just screams toaster oven.” Nice one Kelly.

Screams Vagina?

The brunettes are all in a van going to Canyon Ranch! Cindy didn’t want to invite the blondes. Good for her. This crew is a little more believable as actual friends. Kelly recounts the whole Sonja toaster oven sighting. Seriously, this woman was a model (for PLAYBOY!) and she’s this freaked out by this? Cindy is unimpressed because she works with vaginas everyday. I’m not a gynecologist sayeth Kelly. No my dear, you most certainly are not.

LuAnn’s judgy about Sonja – says she’s hanging out too much with Ramona. Ramona of the drinking problem, a story line that is being edited to death by the Bravo producers.

Kelly and LuAnn are bonding about being single moms. Cindy is looking on sadly when they talk about dating. The sharks, the minnows and the bottom feeders – that’s what Kelly has to deal with. People think she’s so pretty (she says), but they don’t know how hard it is to trust. Kelly opens up about being slapped. The music swells, making a moment that might have been genuine kind of hard to take. LuAnn is moved. They hug.

They arrive at the spa. Jill’s boots are very Aspen in the 80’s, but in an actual 80’s way, not in a 2011 way.
Cindy looks pretty, and I want to be her friend because she takes people on spa weekends and buys them robes from Frette.

LuAnn: Really darling. Never open up a gift in a hotel lobby. Really? She and Sonja have such arbitrary rules.

After a good night sleep, the brunettes go to a drumming workshop with a nice hippie guy from the Berkshires. Jill is talking over him and being a hag. LuAnn has a funny line about large jewelry while drumming. Cindy’s teeth come up again. They drum. This is a fun scene.

Back in NYC, Ramona has rounded up the blondes for an afternoon at the plastic surgeon. It should be noted that Dr. Sharon Guise’s own plastic surgery looks quite good. Alex gets her face shaved and says that now that she’s modeling she should take care of her skin and hair. She allows her giant zit to be filmed so I believe she is correct. Ramona finally cops to getting work done. Duh. Thighs are covered with goo and lasers are applied.

Meanwhile, back at the Canyon Ranch, the brunettes are talking theater. Did you see the “Vagina Monocles?” A wonderful play. The brunettes play slumber party games in their robes and bond. Its nice to see everyone playing nice.

Jill is doing an event to raise money for Bullying Awareness. I wonder if Kelly is mad that Jill stole her issue from last season and made it hers. Ally is home from college and looks pretty. Jill asks Alex’s advice about dealing with Ramona over their fight at Ramona’s wine tasting but wont let her get a word in. Bully. Ramona arrives with a case of wine she intended to donate to the silent auction, but F@#* it, she’ll get the caterer, or the designer’s daughter to crack a bottle for her.

Since the blondes and brunettes are together in the same room, there’s bound to be some friction. They tussle about designers – who can wear whose clothes. Apparently Ramona has been telling designers they can’t dress the other ladies and LuAnn is pissed. LuAnn’s signature is Ungaro, why does she need to bite off Ramona’s designer David Meester? Lu is so beyotchy! Brings up the spa and the fact that none of the girls want to come on the trip because of Ramona. They are scrapping! Alex steps in. OOOH LuAnn is the thug in the cocktail dress! Finally we know. I thought for sure it was going to be Sonja.

The brunettes are excited. Kelly is coming on the trip. OMG. Definitely in her contract.

Models, catwalk, charity event.

Everyone is worried about Ramona’s drinking. Lots of shots of white wine in her hand.

Jill’s stepdaughter gets up to speak about being bullied when she was younger and is very cool and steady and articulate. She has a birthmark on her face, which Ramona points out tactfully by calling her deformed. Jill looks like she might take a swing at her.

Oh Bullying. Let’s take it on the road.

Morocco: Bring it.

xo

Wake Up With GTOG: Some Random Stories

By Finesse

So much going on.

- Tampa forced a Game 7 against Boston with an exciting 5-4 victory last night.  We have found ourselves overwhelmingly rooting for Tampa, and even for Martin St. Louis, who has been a consistent killer of the Pens but has emerged as our tiny little hero.  Usually we hate teams that eliminate the Pens, but Tampa handled it well, was a better team, and was relatively un-annoying, because the only thing they did that bothered us -- Ryan Malone taking penalties -- actually should have been to the Pens' advantage.



- Scott McCreery won American Idol.  That's likely the last time we will be writing about Scott McCreery.  At what point is that show going to realize what is happening and split into Blue State Idol and Red State Idol?  Not saying that one is better than the other, but there are trends developing.

- Sike, we actually have one more thing to say about McCreery.  We love his fashion sense.  A tuxedo jacket, a hemp necklace with a cross on it, a skin-tight undershirt from Express Men, a belt from Cracker Barrel, and the Wranglers from the Brett Favre commercials.  Artistry is wearing the same thing to work today.

- Not that we sit around wondering "what-if" all day, but Artistry and I are currently in a debate about whether to put the asterisk before or after the team name for whichever team wins the Eastern Conference.  What looks better?  *Boston Bruins or Boston Bruins*

- The Dallas Mavericks eliminated the Oklahoma City Thunder last night to win the Western Conference and advance to the NBA Finals.  If they should end up playing Miami, it gives Mark Cuban and Dirk Nowitzki a shot at redemption for blowing a 2-0 lead in the 2006 Finals to the Heat in what many feel was a referee aided comeback for Dwyane Wade and the Heat.  Was the officiating bad?  Probably.  But because of it, the first ticky-tack call in favor of the Heat raises a realistic possibility of the first live head explosion ever aired by ESPN.  We can't say we aren't excited.

- In the least surprising story of the day, another ex-Ohio St. football player said he sold his football rings for cash.  Snore.  Cue the chorus of, "we have to pay these players!" While paying college athletes may make sense on some levels, it could actually cause even more problems.  Are you going to pay the 80th man the same as the star quarterback?  How is that any more fair than paying neither?  And if you are going to pay different players different amounts, then won't players just go to the highest bidding team?  Aren't they already getting paid with a scholarship?  What about Title IX?  How can a school like Indiana - which has laughable attendance at football games - compete against a money-making machine like Ohio St. if, in addition to the on-field advantages OSU has, they can also pay more?  [Oh wait, you don't care?  Ok, nevermind.]

- Pirate fever:

- And finally, follow us on Twitter.

Steelers Continue Proud Tradition of Defiant Tweets

By Artistry

NFL owners voted unanimously this week to codify punishments for flagrant hits, something being referred to in certain quarters as the "Steelers rule," and it didn't take the players long to respond. Via tweet, naturally.  From the always eloquent James Harrison:

"I'm absolutely sure now after this last rule change that the people making the rules at the NFL are idiots."

And from the Steelers' other Pro Bowl outside linebacker, LaMarr Woodley:

"Thoughts on 'the steelers rule'??? lol im sorry that im not sorry we hit 2 hard."


LOL'ing at Joe Flacco

This is what happens to winners, guys.  People try to tear you down.  I'm just surprised at the lack of support for the sentiments of Harrison and Woodley among their teammates in the Twitterverse.  What could they be up to?  Let's see what's on the minds of some other Steelers today.  You know, just to check in.

R_Mendenhall: "If you have a "closed mind", how can anything get in?"

mvp86hinesward:  "OMG! I can't believe it! First I want to say THANK YOU to all my fans and Steeler Nation, Bulldog Nation, and...http://fb.me/WgSP22u2"

AntonioBrown84:  "Didn't know u had to wear polo at the gulf range?! Gulf etiquette polo and cache shorts shm where dey do that at?"


Not a Big Gulfer

Ike_SwagginU:  "S/O to all my followers haters ain't gotta like but makem respectya SWAGGIN"

RMundy29: "Time? RT @_justE: RT @ElenaCourtney: @bougee_bish @Shorty_MONET @HowiePGH @FatPplPresident @Mondo4sho @MissMundyyy Hangover 2 Tonight??!!"

SSylvester55:  "@hankjr10 ahhhh brah you Betta fo wild them thangs Is hella fun... I had em in Hawaii goin Ham lol"

Indeed.  I think I speak for all of GTOG Nation when I say, thank you, Twitter.

We'll Watch Just About Anything ... But Not This

By Finesse

We are willing to watch just about anything, and then dissect it like a presidential election so you don't have to.   But we also have standards and even a little bit of pride.

And that's why you can count GTOG out of the running to be your primary source of news on Shawn Marion's new show, "The Ladies of My Life," which has "been in the works" for over a year.  It appears that Marion will be put in a house with his mother and sisters and then .... what?  Hilarity ensues?  As Shawn describes, "It's going to deal with me and how I have mostly all ladies in my life.  I'm single-mother raised and I have all sisters and I have a single-mother foundation, so it's about all that."

We know it's about all that, but actually have no idea what all that is about.  Hence, we won't be watching.  Instead, I'll concentrate on filming my reality show pilot, "People That I Know."  It's hard to describe, but I was quoted yesterday as saying, "It's going to deal with me, and some people that I know.  I've met these people, I know them, and most of them know me.  So it's pretty much about that."

People That Shawn Marion Knows.

Happy Anniversary

By Artistry

20 years ago today, I woke up with a gigantic poster of a mulleted Mario Lemieux hanging over my bed, and I gave it a tap for luck before bounding down the stairs.  Of that, I'm sure.  The next 10 hours or so are a complete blank.  But then I remember everything - down to the precise motion of Lemieux's fist pump after his first period goal - about Game 6 of the 1991 Stanley Cup Finals.  And the aftermath, what happened that night, is as clear to me as 5 minutes ago.  Clearer.  Doing a Superfly Snuka celebratory leap from the top of a couch onto my friends.  The trip down the parkway on the way to the airport to greet the team.  Trying, before being thwarted by police, to force a Pens jersey over the statue of the late Mayor Richard Caliguiri.  They should have let us do that.  It was a good time.  It was the dance...of champions. 






News of Hines Ward winning "Dancing With the Stars" may be more timely, but any reminiscence about that day in 1991 will always be the lead story.  GTOG.

Bachelorette Recap: You're Welcome, Las Vegas

By GTOG Staff

It began, like every new season of ABC's Bachelorette, with an inspirational montage.  But this time around, it wouldn't be enough to tell the story of a young lady who somehow missed out on earlier opportunities but is now "ready for love."  Nor would it suffice to explain that the star of the show had previously erected walls around her heart, but with the help of a therapist and long jogs on the beach, she is finally "open to love."  Because this time, the producers faced a much taller task.  They needed to get viewers on board with the idea that we can "tolerate Ashley."  Could they pull it off? 


Questionable

Let's break this montage down.  First, a flashback to South Africa, where Brad Womack decides, hey, this Lady is shrill, cloying, and insecure - annoying on an almost cosmic scale, like a supernova - followed by a thrust forward to present day for a dramatic introduction to the New Ashley: now brunette, fake-tanned, possibly packing new boobs (are we right, ladies?), and dressed like an extra from Step Up 3D.  "I'm so happy with who I've become," she says.  Then, she floats to center stage in an empty theater.  She is naked, stripped of the burdens, anxieties, and, hopefully, the entire personality of her past.  Also, she is literally semi-nude.  No sooner do we see her writhing around on the ground in spandex shorts than we are transported to what appears to be an aerobics class.  Suddenly, bam, she's doing dental work.  She's a sexy dancer and a dentist.  By the time they wrap this thing up with Ashley breathing deeply on a mountaintop, we're sufficiently worn down.  That montage was like anesthesia.  We've lost feeling in our extremities.  We may never embrace her as a worthy successor to Ali, but we just got carried on board for Ashley's Journey, and you know what?  We're not looking back.  Let's bring in the Gentlemen.

After the jump, a brief evaluation of this season's contestants, followed by the official GTOG odds of each Gentleman making it through to the season finale...

Ames, Portfolio Manager, 31:  Count us among the not-shocked when we saw Ames, the Columbia and Harvard finance dork, standing as the lone gentleman in khaki pants.  He's run 28 ultra-marathons, which Brad Womack would have called "very very marathons."  He gave Ashley ballet tickets, and based on his super-achiever status, we would also count ourselves among the not-shocked if Ames was in the ballet.  Here for the right reasons? If those reasons are so that next season we can say that Chris Kunitz has Hands of Ames, then yes.  Odds of making the finale: 40:1.

Ben C., Lawyer, 28 - In their initial meeting in the driveway, Ben spoke tenderly to Ashley in French and she replied, somewhat incongruously, "I love your energy!  You're cracking me up right now!"  Raised in England and a resident of New Orleans, this 15-out-of-10 on the romance scale is bringing the culture.  Query how long it will take Ben to realize his efforts are completely lost on Ashley.  Here for the right reasons?  Oui.  Odds of making the finale:  12:1.

Ben F., Winemaker, 28 - Smile, buddy, you're a winemaker. The earnest Ben met Ashley with a bottle and two glasses, starting off his Journey with a toast.  "You're so sweet!" Ashley shouted.  He's also a tad somber.  His dad passed away, so his Walls are up, but he's ready to start a Journey, and significantly, he's a "total brunette guy."  Here for the right reasons?  Of course.  And there's nothing wrong with trying to sell us some wine on your Journey.  Odds of making the finale:  20:1.

Bentley, Businessman, 28 - Ah, Bentley. Cocky co-founder of a "Family Fun Center," divorced dad of Cozy, and this season's resident bad boy.  Ashley "knows it's a cliche" to say she wishes Bentley was here for the right reasons.  That doesn't stop her from saying it.  Moreover, it's not just that Ashley suspects Bentley is here for the wrong reasons, she knows he's here for the wrong reasons.  A reliable source called her and told her so.  Does our heroine simply confront Bentley and say, "Is it true that you're not here for the right reasons?"  Of course not.  Bentley is far too handsome for that sort of treatment.  Instead, Ashley bleats, "I hope you'll be honest with me.  Will you be honest with me?"  Will Bentley be honest with her?  Oh, eventually.  Give it four more episodes.  Here for the right reasons?  Only if you think it's OK to try to popularize the name "Cozy."  Odds of making the finale: 200:1.


Getting Cozy

Blake, Dentist, 27:  What is it about being in dental school that allows you to call yourself a dentist?  People in law school aren't lawyers, and people in medical school aren't doctors.  But you can say D.D.S. once you submit your application fee to dental school?  Sign us up.  Anyway, Blake's enthusiasm has the contagiousness of a vaccine.  Here for the right reasons?  Unclear if he even knows he's on TV.  Odds of making the finale: 75:1.

Chris, Sports Marketing Coordinator, 25 - He opened with a truly awful Kasey-esque rap/poem.  Ashley loved it.  Here for the right reasons?  Who cares.  Odds of making the finale: 700:1.

Constantine, Restaurant Owner, 30 - Connie tried to stand out from the crowd by tying pink dental floss around the Bachelorette's wrist.  "You are the cutest thing ever!"  Ashley shrieked.  Here for the right reasons?  OK.  Sure.  Odds of making the finale:  82:1.

J.P., Construction Manager, 34 - Ashley likes this guy's smile.  We've seen into the depths of her soul, and believe GTOG, that could be enough to carry J.P. all the way to Fiji.  He's a career driven New Yorker tired of the dating scene, and his nickname is, wait for it, Cupcake.  Coincidentally, Ashley notes, "The man I marry is going to call me cupcake."  Here for the right reasons?  To be determined.  Kristen Baldwin thinks he's gay.  We wouldn't profess to know.  Odds of making the finale: 10:1.  Odds of making the finale if he's gay: 12:1.

Jeff, Entrepreneur, 35 - Jeff wears a mask for the obvious reason: to "take my face out of the equation."  Ashley, ever thoughtful, says, "At first I thought it was a cheesy gimmick.  Now I realize it's not just a stunt to get my attention."  Sharp as a tack, that one.  Prior to the rose ceremony, Jeff delivers the knockout line: "I want a rose for the right reason tonight."  Well, is he here for the right reasons?  Maybe. In which case he's merely insane, as opposed to disingenuous and insane.  Odds of making the finale: 1,000:1.


"I'm deranged for the right reasons."

Lucas, Oilfield Equipment Distributor, 30 - Watch out for this guy.  He understands that flying below the radar and periodically delivering a choice compliment to bolster Ashley's quavering ego ("God you're gorgeous") is usually all it's going to take to get a rose.  Here for the right reasons?  Sure.  Odds of making the finale: 28:1.

Matt, Office Supply Salesman, 28 - According to Matt, it's never too early to play the Mom card.  We generally advise against getting one's mother on the phone - or teaching the object of your romantic interest a secret handshake, for that matter - during the initial courtship phase.  It gives off a distinct "friend" vibe.  GTOG doesn't find it the least bit sexy.  But Ashley?  Different standard.  When Matt's mother advised her to use protection in the Fantasy Suite, she squealed with glee.  Also, he's from Massachusetts, and the Bachelorettes always give preference to hometown boys.  Here for the right reasons?  Unless he's lying to his own mother.  Odds of making the finale: 15:1.

Mickey, Chef, 31:  If you don't remember Mickey, and why would you, he's the one who went straight in for the kiss of Ashley, which she successfully dodged with grace and an overexcited giggle.  Early on, Ashley told us, "My biggest fear is falling in love with somebody and then not reciprocating that" (actual statement). You heard it here first - Ashley will definitely fall in love with someone and then not reciprocate her own love to that someone, but that someone won't be Mickey.  Here for the right reasons?  Seems desperate, so yes.  Odds of making the finale: 25:1.

Nick, Personal Trainer, 26 - Another one who opened with a terrible poem in the driveway.  Appears to be dumber than Brad Womack.  You know, he just might pull this off.  Here for the right reasons?  You'll need to ask him again, slowly.  Odds of making the finale: 22:1.

Ryan M., Construction Estimator, 27 - We were legitimately surprised that this guy got a rose, and not just because his presence causes unnecessary confusion with the frontrunner who shares his name.  His opening gimmick involved whipping out a camera, taking a picture with Ashley, and finishing things off by suggesting that maybe later she could take a picture of him with Chris Harrison.  This seemed to leave Ashley cold, which is hard to do, as she generally responded to every one of these guys' opening lines with a "You are the cutest!" or at least a "Very cool!"  But asking for a picture with Harrison?  That screams "Here for the wrong reasons."  No shot.  Odds of making the finale: 500:1.

Ryan P., Solar Energy Executive, 31 - In case you missed the Raw Emotion podcast Monday night, it's GTOG's theory that the first guy who gets camera time in the season premiere generally ends up in the finale.  That's Ryan P.  Add to that the fact that Ryan P. got the first impression rose (so did a guy named Roberto once upon a time), "wants better for the world," and says "The only thing stronger than the sun is love," and the the only way Ryan P. doesn't end up in Fiji for the finale is if Ryan P. is still in love with somebody else.  And Ryan P. doesn't strike us as that kind of guy.  Here for the right reasons?  Did you see him make a heart symbol with his hands and hold it up to the glistening sun?  Odds of making the finals:  2:3.


Rides in a Hybrid Golden Chariot

Stephen, Hairstylist, 27:  We got excited when Stephen emerged from the limousine because we thought he was Marc-Andre Fleury.  "I want da onus to do da dates with you. I want da oppordunity to make you da appiest girl in da world."  He's very uncomfortable, but then again, so is Ashley.  Not a candidate to win, but will successfully navigate through some of the other non-contenders to last a few weeks.  Here for the right reasons?  Yes.  Odds of making the finals: 18:1.

West, Lawyer/Alleged Killer, 30 - "The idea of love is big," West observed.  So is the idea that you're a murderer.  GTOG isn't convicting anybody without a fair hearing - we believe in the presumption of innocence - but that dude is creepy.  He gave Ashley a broken compass stuck on "West."  She should go East.  Immediately.  Run.  Here for the right reasons?  Relatively speaking, yes, if by "wrong reasons" you mean he's going to kill somebody.  Odds of making the finale: 375:1. 

Better Keep Those Walls Up, Just in Case

William, Cellular Phone Salesman, 30: As he approached Ashley from the limo, he acted flustered and stuttered, "I literally thought of 1000 things to say getting out of this limo, and I can't remember a single one."  Except that one.  Ashley, of course, fell for it with her whole heart, establishing William as a strong candidate.  Introduced while walking in the rain?  Check.  Cutesy difficulty closing the umbrella?  Check.  Dead father?  Oh yeah.  Punch his ticket to hometowns.  Wrist watch that stopped at the time his Dad died?  He's still wearing it.  Creepy?  Maybe.  But looks to our eyes like an invitation to the fantasy suite is in order.  Here for the right reasons?  Absolutely.  Odds of making the finale: 5:1.

Someday, GTOG Will be Justin Bieber's Obsession

By Artistry

From the website for Justin Bieber's SOMEDAY:

"SOMEDAY by Justin Bieber is more than just a fragrance: it’s energy with a state-of-mind that inspires. It is a personal gift straight from his heart, giving fans a chance to get one step closer to Justin. It’s a fragrance he can’t get enough of and can’t stay away from, making those who wear it irresistible.”



GTOG will be first in line when SOMEDAY hits stores on June 20th. We will then proceed to spray it all over our Twitter account.


Will Soon Follow GTOG on Twitter

Thanks to Kaki for the tip.

GTOG Podcast: Nothing Brings Out Raw Emotion Like the Bachelorette

When something big happens, something truly big, there is only one way to capture the pure, raw, unfiltered emotion -- stay up later than you should and record a podcast. It's a new feature here at GTOG called the Raw Emotion Podcast, and there is no better time to record one than after what we just witnessed -- the season premiere of the Bachelorette.  Who is the favorite?  What just happened?  Should we be reimbursed from some sort of Victims' Compensation Fund by ABC?  We answer these questions, and more.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

[Click here to subscribe on iTunes]

Today in That's a Mario Lemieux Goal: "I'm Out of Words"

If you'll recall, Penguins coach Pierre Creamer allegedly did not have a clue that the Penguins needed to win this game in order to qualify for the playoffs. Mario did.

The Bachelorette: 10 Things To Watch in Season 7

By GTOG Staff

It doesn't get any bigger than this. Tonight at 8 p.m. EST, Ashley the 26-year-old dentist begins her journey through a maze of 30 similar looking white men to find "the One," who will make her feel, make her believe, and make her fake laugh on camera. It's an extraordinary journey, full of plot twists and turns, some of which are real. They call it "The Bachelorette." We call it our "Wheelhouse."

Ready to, like, find love.

As a public service to our biggest fans, as well as those who will be taking the plunge into this season with us for the first time, here are 10 things to look for this season.

10. Gentlemen who came for the right reasons, but stay for the wrong reasons. Look, Ashley deserves love just as much as the next reality show contestant, but we hold our Bachelorettes to a very high standard. Ashley is cute, perky, perky, and cute, but she can also kill a romantic mood (see Window, God's) like no one since Kasey serenaded Ali by singing about a helicopter. Watch for at least a dozen potential suitors to shift quickly from "here to find love" to "hey, free booze" mode after their initial encounter with the golden-tanned dentist.

9. An exit strategy. For the same reason, is it not also conceivable that at least some of the 30 Gentlemen will be looking to jump ship shortly after the limo pulls up the shiny brick driveway? Not only possible, but likely. But extracting one's self from the Bachelorette (so to speak) is about as complex as removing a malignant brain tumor -- it takes practice, finesse, skill, and a little bit of luck. Here are three excuses we see some of the Gentlemen using:

1. "I'm more into my roommate."
2. "In Touch Weekly just found out that I'm texting other women."
3. "I came here with my walls up, and now it's too late."

The top 8, after the jump...

8. Who can make Ashley feel? Ashley has made no secret that she's only looking for a Gentleman who knows how to stir her roiling cauldron of passion, and that's what distinguishes this journey from its sibling, the Bachelor. Brad Womack certainly wasn't looking for feelings; if it was a display of swirling emotion he was looking for, Chantal would have easily swept him away in a tsunami of salty tears. No, the Bachelor always elevates the ability to overcome fear above all else. Take Emily, for example. Could she overcome her fear of flying? Her fear of death by race car? Her fear of introducing Little Ricky to a Gentleman? Check, check, and check. On the Bachelorette? Chances are, the first Gentleman who sheds a tear can book himself a trip to the finals.

Would Easily Find Love on the Bachelorette

7. The tortured past. On the Bachelor franchise, nothing sells like someone with a secret. When it comes to the Gentlemen, there really are only 5 possible secrets: 

1. Was married before but never told you.
2. Cheated on his ex-wife/ex-girlfriend
3. Still texting his ex-girlfriend
4. Still in love with his ex-girlfriend
5. Accused of drowning his ex-wife.

Shocked by that last one? Then watch out for West, the 30 year-old attorney whose wife drowned in the bathtub under suspicious circumstances, according to Star magazine. Is this something Ashley can get over? Can West keep Ashley safe?

6. A new "word." The Bachelor is first and foremost about language. You have to talk the talk. Journey. Walls. Cinderella. Safe. You get the point. But every season, a new word emerges to become part of the permanent Bachelor/Bachelorette vernacular. This year, our money is on a word that has been itching to come out for years, but this year, the time may finally be right. "Whole." As in, "I love him with my whole heart." Or, "I need you to give your whole self to this journey." Or, "I haven't given my whole self to this journey." Or, "I am ready to love with my whole heart."

5. A Whitewash. It doesn't take a genius to look at the roster of Gentlemen for this season and figure out what they all have in common. It's whiter than an Arcade Fire book-signing at the Apple store.

4. The Slow Dance. It's become a Bachelor/Bachelorette tradition for a popular band or artist to appear on the show to serenade contestants as they slow dance and attempt to pry open their partner's soul by staring intensely into each others' eyes. Preferably, somebody has a sentimental connection with the artist (e.g., "My late father loved Seal"), but really, it's enough to have a band with no shame, a cheesy song, and a hankering for some quick publicity. Who will it be this time around? Train? They were just on. Maroon 5? No, Adam Levine is under contract with NBC. Besides, this year, with the Scotty McCreery craze on American Idol, we think ABC goes country. Keith Urban? Ding, ding, ding!

3. Multiple Blessings. The hometown visits always require the remaining Gentlemen suitors to seek a blessing from the Bachelorette's father. They always receive it. ABC will try to drum up some drama in advance of the "blessing" conversation, but if you think Ashley's dad is going to hijack the dentist's big decision, I've got a helicopter to sing to you about. We predict blessings across the board, and possibly even the coveted total blessing.

Hierarchy of Blessings

2. One Gentleman is going to kiss Ashley while they hang by a rope or cable hundreds of feet above the earth. That lucky Gentleman will make it to the final three.

1. Chris Harrison will dominate.

"Gentlemen. Ashley. Final Rose Tonight."

Make sure to check back after the broadcast for GTOG's Raw Emotion Podcast. Get ready to feel.