New Bachelorette Says: "Tune in and You're Going to Die"

By Artistry

For months, we had our walls up with respect to the new season of ABC's Bachelorette.  There were two primary reasons for this.  First, our initial experience with Ashley the Dentist left us cold.  On her final date with Brad - you remember, at God's Window in South Africa - she orchestrated maybe the single most awkward encounter of the whole freaking journey, driving a dejected Brad to shout, inexplicably, "Happy to be here!" at passing wildlife, and later dismiss her with a stern, "I'm confident in my decision."  She just totally sabotaged the thing.  How do you pull something like that at God's Window?  Tough for us to forgive.  Second, no way this season tops the fairy tale of Ali and Roberto, right?

Hold the helicopter.  Ashley recently held a press conference to promote Monday's premiere, and - in the name of all that is holy and pure - suffice to say we're back on board.  For one thing, Ashley reveals that ABC has assembled nothing short of "the best guys [the show] has ever had."  You heard right.  Even better than that guy Kasey with the tattoo.  She continues, "They [ABC] really know how to get a variety of men."

Sort of like P. Diddy's "White Party," but also kind of different.

GTOG is overwhelmed. This is like being thrown into a Brazilian rain forest and asked to choose the single most exquisite flower.  How can we not put our whole hearts into watching this Lady at Monday's rose ceremony?  It's a moot question, because now we have no choice.  Our walls just got decimated.

What is our newly brunette, newly tanned, and still totally vacuous Bachelorette looking for come Monday?  She puts it better than we ever could:  "I want someone who makes me feel."  Strap yourselves in.  It's going to be quite a journey.