Unusually Hot or Not? The Women of GTOG Rank 33 NFL Quartebacks

By Mrs. Artistry and Artistry's mom

"NFL quarterbacks are hot," Mrs. Artistry observed, as her husband flipped between football games on a recent Sunday.  "Unusually hot."

"I don't think so," her husband replied.  "Not a deep field."

And thus another of GTOG's Truly Great Ideas was born. Here, for the first time, Mrs. Artistry and Artistry's Mom join forces to rank 33 NFL quarterbacks based on whom in some alternate universe they'd like to kiss on New Year's Eve.  [Disclaimer: These rankings are the Women of GTOG's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of GTOG or its sponsors.  It is recommended that you seek independent advice before making any QB hotness ranking decisions.]

1.  Tom Brady, New England Patriots

"I own your team, your wife, and your mom."

Mrs. Artistry:  "Looks like he thinks he's hot, but unfortunately, he is hot."

Artistry's Mom:  "Hot."

Artistry:  "Whatever."

Finesse:  "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!?!"

2.  Mark Sanchez, New York Jets

"Look into my eyes while I throw this interception."

Mrs. Artistry:  "Hot."

Artistry's Mom:  "Oh yeah."

Artistry:  "Excuse me while I pour a bucket of cold water on my whole family."

Finesse:  "Hell of a tan for what looks like a cloudy day."

3.  Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers

Was 4th before Brett Favre retired.

Mrs. Artistry:  "He's kinda cute. Friendly."

Artistry's Mom:  "Nice smile."

Artistry:  "Great bangs."

Finesse:  "He's in an abusive relationship with William Gay."

4.  Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears

Only Jay Cutler smile on record

Mrs. Artistry:  "Nice teeth."

Artistry's Mom:  "Nice smile. Cute."

Artistry:  "Huge advantage to Cutler here because this picture doesn't show his frat boy haircut or his infamous pout/scowl.  In terms of ranking QB hotness, this is what I would refer to as a false positive."

Finesse:  "Looks like he has too many bottom teeth."

5.  Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers

His dad asked for $120K just to let Cam be on this list.

Mrs. Artistry:  "Cute, but big chin."

Artistry's Mom:  "Ooooh."

Artistry:  "From the center of an NCAA scandal to #5 on Women of GTOG's QB hotness list. A meteoric rise."

Finesse:  "Can we get that sound your mom made on tape?"

Numbers 6-33, plus lessons learned on NFL QB attractiveness, or lack thereof, after the jump...

6.  Tim Tebow, Denver Broncos

Tebow, 3 for 16

Mrs. Artistry:  "That's a hot Christian."

Artistry's Mom:  "Is this Mike Tebow? He's cute."

Artistry:  "Drew Brees got beat by a good running back."

Finesse: "Mike Tebow is like the fourth Staal brother everyone keeps talking about."

7.  Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints

 Home Child Advantage

Mrs. Artistry:  "I like that this guy's a family man.  It makes him look cute."

Artistry's Mom:  "He's cute with the baby."

Artistry:  "He just looks so effortless out there."

Finesse:  "Total manipulation by me with the picture choice. Proud of myself."

8.  Michael Vick, Philadelphia Eagles

Must Love Dogs

Mrs. Artistry:  "Handsome."  [Hours pass.]  "You need to move Mike Vick down because of the dog."

Artistry's Mom:  "Is that Michael Vick with his dog? He's a good looking kid."

Artistry:  [Not saying anything.]

Finesse:  "This is what Martin Vangar was doing with Mikael Blomkvist in his basement."

9.  Christian Ponder, Minnesota Vikings

Eh.

Mrs. Artistry:  "Cute."

Artistry's Mom:  "I can't see him. Can you make the screen darker?"

Artistry:  "Taken too high both here and in the draft."

Finesse: "Make the screen darker, Artistry."

10.  Eli Manning, New York Giants

Looks worse in the wind

Mrs. Artistry:  "Oh, I love Eli Manning."

Artistry's Mom:  "He's not really very good looking. Very clean cut, but not hot."

Artistry:  "This is our first big dispute."

Finesse:  "Clip on?"

11.  Matt Moore, Miami Dolphins

"I'm genuinely just happy to be here."

Mrs. Artistry:  "He has potential but needs to take a shower."

Artistry's Mom:  "I don't like him."

Artistry:  "I'm fairly certain he just took a shower."

Finesse:  "Will not be on 2012 list."

12.  Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys

He would be at a Cosmo party.

Mrs. Artistry:  "Marriage material."

Artistry's Mom:  "I don't like Tony Romo. Look at his beady little eyes."

Artistry: "Mrs. Artistry, meet me in counseling."

Finesse:  "Greatest achievement is not getting Jessica Simpson pregnant."

13.  Carson Palmer, Oakland Raiders

Would get down on a knee to propose, but he only has one left.

Mrs. Artistry:  "He kind of looks like Carson Daly.  Not too bad."

Artistry's Mom:  "Nice looking."

Artistry:  "The Women of GTOG join the Raiders as the only entities willing to trade two #1 draft choices for Carson Palmer."

Finesse:  "Old face."


14.  Colt McCoy, Cleveland Browns

Only more fitting name for Texas QB would have been Deputy Gunner.

Mrs. Artistry:  "Average."

Artistry's Mom:  "He looks cute."

Artistry:  "He looks 12."

Finesse:  "Tebow minus 25 pounds minus John 3:16 = Colt McCoy."

[Bonus selection]  Colt McCoy's college girlfriend, University of Texas

Here for the right reasons.

Mrs. Artistry:  "Who is she?"

Artistry's Mom:  "I don't understand."

Artistry:  [Not saying anything.]

Finesse:  "We understand."

15.  Alex Smith, San Francisco 49ers

Mrs. Artistry:  "Kinda cute."

Artistry's Mom:  [Eyes glazing over.]

Artistry:  "Alex Smith is what I like to call a game manager."

Finesse:  "Small hands."

16.  Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buffalo Bills

Growing the non-playoff beard

Mrs. Artistry:  "It looks like something weird happened to his face."

Artistry's Mom:  "No good, although he might be all right without the beard."

Mrs. Artistry:  "It looks like he was in a car accident or something."

Artistry:  "He aced the Wonderlic test."

Finesse:  "Car accident? What kind of car accident?"

17.  Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens

"Thanks for getting my best side."

Mrs. Artistry:  "Below average."

Artistry's Mom:  "He might be all right. He has kind of a Cro Magnon brow."

Artistry:  [Nodding.]

Finesse:  "Troy Polamalu is going to pick that ball up."

18.  Matt Cassel, Kansas City Chiefs

"I have one more season before people realize how bad I am."

Mrs. Artistry:  "Big chin, but OK."

Artistry's Mom:  "I don't like his looks."

Artistry:  "At least with Kyle Orton backing him up, there is no QB hotness controversy in Kansas City."

Finesse:  "Why the long face?"

19.  Matt Hasselback, Tennessee Titans

Eyes still puffy from Super Bowl XL

Mrs. Artistry:  "The forehead hurts him."

Artistry's Mom:  "And I definitely don't like his looks."  [Upon further review:  "He's not that bad."]

Artistry:  "He's bald.  He's got veteran moxie."

Finesse:  "Forehead-Scalp border war reminiscent of the Golan Heights."

20.  Matthew Stafford, Detroit Lions

Fantasy QB

Mrs. Artistry:  "I'm not sure it's legal to comment."

Artistry's Mom:  "He looks like he could be OK. I can't see him."

Artistry:  "He's my fantasy quarterback. No, literally, I had him on like every team."

Finesse:  "Maybe your mom should get glasses."

21.  Josh Freeman, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

So nondescript 

Mrs. Artistry:  "He'd be cuter if he lost weight."

Artistry's Mom:  "No."

Artistry:  "Having a down season all the way around."

Finesse:  "Roethlisbergerian dome."

22.  Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons

Mrs. Artistry:  "Thumbs are not up."

Artistry's Mom:  "That's sorta nerdy."

Artistry:  "Matty Ice getting the cold shoulder."

Finesse: "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!?!?"

23.  Sam Bradford, St. Louis Rams 

 "On my way to Torts."

Mrs. Artistry:  "He looks like someone I knew in law school."

Artistry's Mom:  "No."

Artistry:  "Graduate of the Scott Burnside School of Taking Pictures in Unflattering Places."

Finesse:  "Burnside and Lebrun actually filming in that garage behind the fence."


24.  Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts

Cut that meat!

Mrs. Artistry:  "This just proves Eli is the better Manning."

Artistry's Mom:  "Clean cut, but nerdy."

Artistry:  "I see a big comeback for Peyton next year, as he grows his hair out, takes the field with a slimmed down neck, and leads the Washington Redskins back to glory."

Finesse:  "Just scrolled up to re-look at Colt McCoy's girlfriend.  Feel much better."

25.  Kevin Kolb, Arizona Cardinals

1st team All-Neck-Fat

Mrs. Artistry:  "Not good looking."

Artistry's Mom:  "No."

Artistry:  "He looks like a dickish golf pro."

Finesse:  "Might be a dickish golf pro within 3 years."


26.  Philip Rivers, San Diego Chargers

"Sorry, fantasy owners."

Mrs. Artistry:  "Nah."

Artistry's Mom:  "I don't like this guy."

Artistry:  "I don't like this guy either."

Finesse:  "Saw Tony Romo's kissy face, and raised him two puckered lips."

27.  Rex Grossman, Washington Redskins

The Joey Chestnut to Kevin Kolb's Kobayashi

Mrs. Artistry:  "He looks like your friend's nice brother."

Artistry's Mom:  "No."

Artistry:  "Do you get the sense my mom is mailing it in at this point?"

Finesse:  "Yes."

28.  Seneca Wallace, Cleveland Browns

"Am I even in the NFL?"

Mrs. Artistry:  "Looks cuddly. I'd make out with him."

Artistry's Mom:  "No. I don't like that mustache thing he has going on."

Artistry:  "First of all, what is Seneca Wallace doing here?  Second, he does look cuddly."

Finesse:  "If Mrs. Artistry would make out with #28 on this list, what does that mean for #1 thru #27?"


29.  Matt Schaub, Houston Texans

#30 - #33 are going to have a lot to think about.

Mrs. Artistry:  "Close to the bottom for me."

Artistry's Mom:  "I don't like him."

Artistry:  "Looks like he just woke up from an afternoon nap at his desk."

Finesse:  [CENSORED]


30.  Blaine Gabbert, Jacksonville Jaguars

Appropriately named after a woman.

Mrs. Artistry:  [Laughing.]

Artistry's Mom:  "The mullet has to go on the bottom."

Artistry:  "Another QB victimized by a bad picture.  Blaine gets a raw deal here."

Finesse:  "What someone named Colt McCoy should have looked like."

31.  Andy Dalton, Cincinnati Bengals

Rough draw with the black and orange unis.

Mrs. Artistry:  "He's not so cute."

Artistry's Mom:  "Not a fave."

Artistry:  "If Andy Dalton grew a red mustache, his would take its rightful place on the Mt. Rushmore of Bengals QB mustaches, alongside Kenny Anderson's and Boomer Esiason's.  Not sure what he is waiting for."

Finesse:  "Aren't we just piling on Mike McQueary at this point? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IN THE SAME SITUATION! YOU DON'T KNOW!!!"

32.  Curtis Painter, Indianapolis Colts

Hillary Clinton?

Mrs. Artistry:  "Oh God."

Artistry's Mom:  "Oh. What kind of ridiculous haircut is that?"

Artistry:  "Curtis Painter can also be seen starring in Season 2 of Game of Thrones."

Finesse:  "Not having Curtis Painter last destroys the credibility of this list.  I no longer put any stock in these rankings."

33.  Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers

Leader of Men

Mrs. Artistry:  "Gross."

Artistry's Mom:  "Ben needs to be exiled."

Artistry:  "So what are you saying? Don't hold back. What's the word on the street?"

Finesse:  "Band of Brothers."

Mrs. Artistry's Conclusions

I am very lucky to be married to Artistry.  He slots just below Mark Sanchez and above Aaron Rodgers.  That's not bad.  Despite a steep drop in quality after the Top 10, I still maintain that NFL quarterbacks are unusually hot, because Tom Brady is so hot that he single-handedly elevates the quarterback hotness average above the curve set by the rest of mankind.  That is all.  Thank you.

GTOG Podcast: Saluting Jagr; Steelers MVP; and the purity of The Bachelor

By GTOG Staff

What's the worst thing that happened in Thursday's Pens-Flyers tilt?  If not Jaromir Jagr and Max Talbot scoring, maybe it's the realization that the emperor of Penguins defensemen wears no clothes.  Artistry is in pain.  Finesse isn't.  Mark Kaboly cares deeply about who won the Steelers MVP award.  We don't.  The Bachelor starts on Monday, and you better believe we're locked and loaded.  This thing sizzles like a Jagr wrist shot from just inside the faceoff circle.  It's the GTOG podcast.

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Get Us to the Game: The Politics of Jagr; The Unbearable Uncertainty of Crosby

By Artistry

Most of the time when we talk about emotions on this website, it's with tongue planted firmly in cheek (don't tell anyone). But not today.  The Philadelphia Flyers are in town to play the Penguins, and there are just so many feelings to unpack before we get to the game.

- Let's discuss the notion of emotional intelligence. I'm talking about the ability to perceive, understand, and manage emotions.  Max Talbot has some.  Jaromir Jagr doesn't seem to have very much at all.  Observe.




- Fortunately for Jaromir Jagr, he's a hockey player, and not a surgeon, teacher, or police officer charged with quelling a riot. If you've played the game, or if you ever watched Mario Lemieux, you know that intense rage can turn a skilled man with a puck on his stick into a human tornado. And Jagr has the puck on his stick a lot.

Breaking down the Jagr equation and how to manage Crosby emotions, after the jump...


- On the other end of this emotional equation sit the Penguins fans who believe either that Jagr deserves a place on Joe Starkey's Mt. Rushmore of hated ex-Pittsburgh athletes or that his accomplishments in a Penguins uniform should somehow immunize him from criticism.  The haters, I suspect, may be too young to remember Jagr's early years in Pittsburgh, when he was just a kid in the truest sense of the word.  He loved Kit Kat bars, he got speeding tickets, he idolized Mario Lemieux, and if you left him alone in the morning, he'd go out dressed like this.

Jagr's only real sin is that when expectations changed, he didn't.  In many ways that make for an unseemly adult, he's still a baby.  If you expend energy hating Jaromir Jagr, you're not only misplacing valuable emotional currency but you also might miss out on appreciating a truly historic talent.

To those who would defend Jagr's off-ice actions, stop.  Yes, the media made the whole "My heart is in Pittsburgh" - wait - "I'm going to Philadelphia" story much more dramatic than it needed to be, but for Jagr to plead ignorance about the effect of his actions on Pittsburgh fans is disingenuous, immature, and graceless.

- We love watching Jaromir Jagr.

- The Jagr and Talbot return is but a small wave cresting on the ocean of emotion surrounding Sidney Crosby's health.  We perceive the emotion. We understand it. But we can't manage it. So we mostly just ignore it unless and until we're given something positive to latch on to.  This nugget buried in the 11th paragraph of Thursday's Josh Yohe story qualifies:

"Two sources in the Penguins' organization said they expect Crosby to play again this season."


- The accompanying news that Kris Letang is "feeling better" is enough to even put a little hop in our step this morning.

As a reward for managing your emotions, you can let them run free during the GTOG podcast after the game. LGP.

GTOPG: The Girl With the Bra Outside Her Shirt; Pens Win 4-2

By Finesse

There are a lot of fashion trends that we don't understand.  Skinny jeans for men.  Juicy tracksuits.  Anything from that store Buckle in Ross Park.  But one thing we haven't seen before, and really need to sit down to discuss, is the girl at the Penguin game last night in the white t-shirt .... wearing her bra outside her shirt.  Asking us to formulate an opinion on that after only 12 hours is asking too much.

She's somewhere out there.

GTOG was in the house for last night's game and it was quieter than ever.  No exaggeration, my g-chat notification chime when I'm watching at home is louder than Consol.  But there's no need to beat that dead horse any more, especially because there was somewhat of an excuse for the quiet last night as Carolina played as if they're trying to set a record for most coaches fired in one season.  I'd be embarrassed if I was a Carolina fan, but if I was a Carolina fan, I probably wouldn't have been watching.

"I want 6 months severance!"

Other than having a good record (obviously), one hallmark of a good team is beating bad teams with relative ease.  Another hallmark is beating horrible teams while barely breaking a sweat, and that's what the Pens did last night.  Somehow, this was a 1-1 game going into the third period, but the Pens came out for the final frame and scored two quick goals, punctuated by Pascal Dupuis laughing on the bench, presumably about how easy it was to score both of those goals.  One Jordan Staal soft pass into the back of the net past an out-of-position goalie later, this one was in the books.  Consol erupted and was the loudest it was all night, what with all the car keys jiggling from the traffic-beaters.

- Neal-Malkin-Kunitz is not only on the list of best lines in the league, they're at the top.  Geno is an artist, Neal an unstoppable physical force, and Kunitz a calculating wrecking ball.  You can pencil that line in for 2 goals every game.

- Dupuis had been quiet for the past few games and most of last night until his beauty top shelf against an overmatched Justin Peters.  Peters played fine, but there's no way he's giving up less than 4 goals when he's facing 52 shots.

- Simon Despres is silky smooth.  He shows no fear jumping up into the play, and though at times this may seem overconfident, it's a sign that he knows he is good.  That's huge. What a player.  When Martin and Engelland are back, it's not a given that Lovejoy stays and Despres is scratched.

- That terror you feel inside is the prospect of another day of "no updates" on Crosby and Letang.

- Great job by Fleury to stay true to his "I'm giving up 2 goals no matter what" policy after a one-game deviation against Winnipeg.

- Crosby has been out for 8 games.  The Pens have a power play goal in seven of those 8 games, for a total of 10.  If When Crosby comes back, is there not finally enough evidence that he and Geno need to be on separate PP units?

- Huge game on Friday.  HBO cameras are in town.  Go Pens.

"Did someone say cameras?"

GTOG's Top 12 Posts of 2011

By GTOG Staff

In the spirit of the end-of-year-tradition of letting our earlier work this year do our work for us now, here are 12 of our top posts/moments, etc. from the past year.  There are a lot more than 12 here.  Basically, they're things we think you may be interested in reading again.

Thank you, everyone, for a great 2011.

12. Summing up Steigerwald-Lambert-gate

Ryan Lambert from Puck Daddy went toe-to-toe with John Steigerwald about Alex Ovechkin, women with mustaches, and some really unfunny reference to Sidney Crosby being a vampire.  We shamelessly injected ourselves as the voice of reason.

11. Steelers Lose the Super Bowl

Aaron Rodgers' epic performance, Rashard Mendenhall's devestating fumble, and why we weren't that upset.

Top 10 after the jump...

10. Sushi with Hilary Duff

The song speaks for itself.

9. The Crosby Concussion

If something about Crosby's concussion is on our Top lists for 2012, then we won't have a blog anymore. We have no desire to re-read any of these posts, and can't imagine why you would want to, but for the historical record, here is:

- Our Winter Classic recap
- Get To Our Postgame from the Hedman hit, where we wrote, "One negative from this game is only one point from Sid."
- Crosby's initial concussion diagnosis
- The Sequelae

8. The Rebecca Black podcast

About as thorough of an analysis of a bad song as you can get.  It's Friday.

7. Pushing the Capitals' buttons 

Tampa sweeps the Caps ... but the Caps win the Cup in Pittsburgh a few months later

6. Ted Leonsis' Wars on Hearing and Counting

Speaking of the Caps, Ted Leonsis took great offense when we criticized his arena scoreboard for being too loud.  What ensued was pettiness of a degree that could only be achieved by Mr. Leonsis.  For the record, it's probably still way too loud.  Unleash the fury.

A few months later, we asked whether he fudged sellout numbers for something called the Baltimore Hockey Classic.

5. Never Say Never movie review

What happens when two grown men sit alone in an abandoned movie theater watching a documentary about Justin Bieber?

4. The Pens are eliminated

After a regular season nightmare, the Pens went out with a whimper against Tampa and we had all angles covered, with instant reaction and a classic GTOPG.  With a few more days to decompress, we graded the forwards and the defense.

3. When the Walls Came Down

Nothing brings out the raw emotion at GTOG quite like the Bachelor and Bachelorette.  We were there for every contrived twist and turn, whether it was Brad declarative sentences or Ashley's insufferable insecurities.

Brad's season

- Previewing the Ladies of Brad Womack
- Artistry spoke for GTOG while Finesse was embedded with real ladies
- Brad wants so badly to be affectionate with you. Ok.
- When the show moves to some exotic location for repelling, we asked, What is the Island?
- The Women Told All, we may have been the only people listening.
- Wall-to-wall coverage of the Finale, with a preview podcast, a reaction podcast filled with some of the rawest emotion you've ever heard, and some final follow up thoughts on Chantal's heartbreak.

Ashley's season

- Recapping the second episode
- We lose our composure after we are overcome with raw emotion on this podcast
- Written reaction and raw emotion that can only be summoned by one of the most shocking episodes ever

- A scrapbook chronicling JP's fairy tale and Ben's devastation
- A raw emotion podcast from the maternity ward

2. Penn State

On Penn State, Joe Paterno, and how we react to scandals

1. GTOG Nation Welcomes Artistrette

Nothing says 2011 like the arrival of the newest member of GTOG's family.

Happy New Year!