Bachelor Fantasy Suite Recap: Learning the Levels of Love Language

By GTOG Staff

As with all great episodes of The Bachelor, last night's 2-hour show opens with an ample dose of montages and heavily edited voice-overs.  If it wasn't for the shameless editing, it would simply be impossible to pretend that Ben had any feelings whatsoever for Nicki other than, "It'd be cool if you were my sister because then we could hang out a lot and because you aren't that hot, I wouldn't have to worry about you hooking up with my friends."  But even with clever editing, Nicki's downfall is predictable from the get-go, as Ben pins her with the dreaded "darkhorse" label and says that there are "moments" when he pictures himself with Nicki, although presumably those moments quickly pass and he resumes touching himself to thoughts of Courtney.

"Bin, you have no idea what I'm capable of."

The same negative signs are there with Lindzi as well, so long as you are seasoned enough to pick up on them.  "I think I might be falling in love with Lindzi," Ben declares, which sounds nice on the surface but is as good as an outright dumping in reality.  This man is supposedly a week away from proposing to Lindzi and he "thinks" that he "might" be "falling in love" with her.  Translation: give me credit for trying to be nice, but I'd much prefer to sleep with Courtney.

If you're not a pro at this, here's the GTOG Levels of Love Language.  All of them can sound romantic in a voiceover, but if you aren't consistently securing language in the top-3, you aren't going anywhere.

• I love you
• I am in love with you
• I have fallen in love with you
• I am falling in love with you
• I am starting to fall in love with you
• I am starting the process of falling in love with you
• I think I'm starting to fall in love with you
• I can see myself being in love with you
• I can see myself falling in love with you
• I can see myself starting to fall in love with you
• Those feelings -- those feelings of love -- are there
• I can see myself being in love with someone like you
• I can see myself falling in love with someone like you
• I can see myself starting to fall in love with someone like you
• I imagine a scenario where I'm falling in love with someone who bears a resemblance to you

A full recap of Fantasy Suite night after the jump...

The action picks up with our hero speculating about what Fantasy Suite night means.  For Ben, it affords him the opportunity to ask the women the questions he hasn't been able to ask before, such as, "will you have sex with me?" and "Wow. I'm thirsty now. I'm going to get a glass of water...do you want anything?"  Then, just in case you are dissatisfied in the bathroom, ABC prepares you for Tuesday morning with our favorite commercial, "Real Women Taking Real Shits."

Nicki gets the first date and they walk to their destination.  LOL, JK!!!  That would be so not magical, special, or super romantic, and it would not lend itself at all to helicopter/love metaphors.

"Look at all those people walking and how stupid they are!"

"My relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights, but at the same time, it's grounded," Ben observes. This is straight from the "How to Say Everything While Saying Nothing" playbook, co-authored by the founders of J-Date and every person who has ever had a J-Date profile.  Other possibilities here include:

"I love to go out to bars and restaurants, but I'm just as happy staying in."
"I love to meet new people, but I also like to surround myself with great friends."
"I'm a vegetarian, but I also love a good piece of steak."
"I'm really extroverted, but at the same time I'm introverted."
"I'm Caucasian, but I'm also African-American, and at times I'm Hispanic.

Nicki then continues to harp on not just how in love she is with Bin, but how happy she is that she told Bin that she is so in love with him.  As any man would do in such a scenario, Ben deflects by telling her, "You remind me of my dad."  After a dramatic dip by the helicopter, Nicki voices over that Bin makes her feel safe in any scenario.  What exactly was Ben going to do to protect her if the helicopter started spinning out of control?  That's not a rhetorical question.  Ben would have grabbed Nicki, he would have used his hair as a parachute, and they would have glided to safety.

"Nothing can happen to you up here, Nicki."

At dinner, Nicki lays it on thick. She wants to know how many kids Bin wants, she wants Bin to know that she thinks about having Bin's babies, and she wants Bin to know that she will give him everything he deserves -- EVERYTHING -- in the fantasy suite.  Nicki believes that she and Ben will be gin-u-in-ly happy together, forever, obviously.  She then accepts Chris Harrison's invitation to perform sexual acts upon Bin

"Bin, I am pripeered to do whatever it takes to git you, Bin."

Next up are Ben and Lindzi and they go repelling for the 4th time this season.  Before they descend, Ben wonders if this experience overcoming their fears again will bring them closer together again and.....wait for it......wait for it....IT DID!  To celebrate, they get in a bubbleless hot tub where Lindzi tells Ben at least three dozen times that she had her heart broken last year.  What the f**k happened that was so bad?  Did her ex sleep with her entire family?  Did he kill her?  Again, these are not rhetorical questions, because we have the answers.  Lindzi's ex disrespected Harry Cox, and you don't disrespect Harry Cox.

It's Harry Cox's world.  And we're all just living in it.

Ben then hands her the Overnight Card prepared by Chris Harrison.  Artistry will be spending this weekend writing up similar cards for Finesse to hand out at the top of the Metro next to the people in Greenpeace windbreakers.

To Whom it May Concern: You've come a long way on your journey up that escalator, and if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to go a little bit further.  Here is a key to Finesse's apartment, should you choose to spend the night with him as a couple.  Keep in mind, however, that the lock was just replaced on the building entrance, so you'll have to call his cell phone when you get to the door and he will come let you in. -Artistry.

Ben then goes on a date with Courtney that involves buying Swiss cheese.  We expect analogies about how love is like Swiss cheese -- there are holes, but the holes are what makes the love unique --but instead Courtney comes off appearing, well, normal.  It also appears that they've traveled back in time, as there is not another soul in the city, and there are herds of goats wandering aimlessly down the street.

While setting the modern record with her sixth picnic with Ben in only two weeks, Courtney gets her comeuppance.  Ben tells her that it is "messed up" the way she acts with the other women.  Courtney blames her behavior on trust issues that she has with "not just men, but also women."  She then steals Mitt Romney's campaign slogan, and declares to Ben that there is "more good than bad."

"Vote Adequate!"

When it's time for Chris Harrison's Sleep-With-Me Card, Ben throws convention out the window.  Rather than convincing her to have sex with him the way most guys would -- hey it's not a big deal let's just have some fun no expectations seriously like I won't bother you afterwards no I won't tell my friends what we do we don't talk about that kind of stuff -- he decides to go full in-love mode, warning her that sleeping with him is a big step, which probably means he is one of those guys who will cry before, during, or after the act, if not all three.

The sneak peek of Emily Maynard's upcoming season as the Bachelorette hits like Janet Jackson's nip-slip in Super Bowl XXXVIII: It was a "holy shit" moment that completely overshadowed the rest of the night.

Holding hands to show solidarity with victims of tragedies.

Kacie B. returns to demand answers from Ben about why he broke up with her.  In sum, Ben tells her that her parents are insane and that he was really concerned about the lack of premarital sex they would be having.  Then in the last gasp of a desperate woman, Kacie B. warns Ben that Courtney is wrong for him and that she is in it to win it.

Hating, verb. The act of traveling thousands of miles to discredit someone; a desperate cry for attention; not even offering time in the Fantasy Suite to prove that you are there for the right reasons like Nicki would have.

Kacie's visit throws Ben way off his game until he gets to sit down with Chris Harrison to discuss what happened.  Among Chris's questions:

"What's going on?"
"I can see you're conflicted tonight"
"Right"
"Mmmhmmm"
"Yeah"
"I respect that"
"Yeah"
"Yeah"
"Mmmk"
"Right"
"As you head into this Rose Ceremony tonight, where's your head?"
"Yeah"

Then the Rose Ceremony happens, and as always, it's worth the wait.

It's ok, Nicki.  Ben can still imagine a scenario where he starts to have thoughts about beginning the process of starting to fall in love with someone who has a lot of the same qualities that you do.  And that means the world.

GTOG Podcast: Bachelor Fantasy Suite Night

It was an emotional night in GTOG headquarters as we recap Fantasy Suite Night on the Bachelor. After Chris Harrison offered three women the opportunity to sleep with Ben, he accepted, and then sent the most obvious one packing. What a night. What a podcast.

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So much on the line.

GTOG NHL Trade Deadline Live Blog

Although the rumors are that today is going to be a (relatively) quiet day, we'll be here to cover all the action.  We will update this post throughout the day, so make sure to check back often.  And while you're waiting,  you can listen to our podcast wrapping up the weekend for the Pens and previewing the deadline below.

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Live-Blog after the jump...


TRADE DEADLINE LIVE-BLOG

4:47PM: Upon further reflection, this might have been the most uninteresting trade deadline in any sport ever, including football.  What a dud.  That's not necessarily a bad thing for the Pens, however, because the truth now is the same as it was at the beginning of the year, and would be the same no matter who the Pens acquired today -- with a healthy Sidney Crosby, the Pens are as good of a bet as anyone to win the Cup.  Nothing the Pens could have done today would have answered the one question that needs answering, but is also the one question for which there is no answer: when is he coming back?

4:08PM: Most uninteresting trade deadline in memory, and we have no problem with the Penguins standing pat. When UFA Paul Gaustad is fetching a #1 draft pick, that's not a favorable market. More in a bit after Shero speaks.

3:05PM: So the deadline has come and gone, and Rick Nash is still in Columbus.  Good for Columbus for not panicking.  The guy is under contract for another several years -- if you can't get what you want for him today, then just trade him in the offseason.  Or keep him.  The whole point of signing him long-term is to have control over what you do with him.  If CBJ wanted Callahan instead of Dubinsky, and couldn't get him, so be it.

In other trade news, very little has happened, though more news may trickle out.  Gaustad goes to Nashville. Brian Rolston goes to Boston.  That would have been a relevant trade in 2008.

Shero speaks at 4:15.  There really are no questions to be answered except for the obvious one...

2:05PM: Sammy Pahlsson goes from Columbus to Vancouver.  Rumors of a Brad Stuart trade from Detroit to the Rangers are being called "ridiculously false."  Johnny Oduya from Winnipeg to Chicago.

1:47PM: Sadly, we knew it would reach this point as well: there is a guy old enough to be in the NHL named "Carter Ashton."  Just wait another 4 years when Brayden Jayden gets traded for Brody Madison-Fifer.

1:15PM: We knew it would get to this point, and it actually took longer than we thought.  Writers on Twitter are now saying that they are hearing things, that those things are unconfirmed, then when those things are confirmed to be wrong, the writers are saying "hey, I was right ... I said it was unconfirmed."  What a dud of a day.  Mike Commodore got traded to Tampa from Detroit for a conditional seventh round pick.  We're hearing that the condition is if Mike Commodore gets recognized at a restaurant in Tampa at any point over the next two months, it becomes a sixth round pick.

11:37AM: Quick thought on Rick Nash while absolutely nothing is happening.  If you're Columbus, and you have an embarrassingly terrible team this season, why trade Rick Nash today, in a hurried situation?  There's no rush and/or need to get rid of him now.  Unless you can really take advantage of a desperate team, the better bet is patience.

11:10AM:  Kostitsyn trade to Nashville is done. Because anytime you can get a gang like this back together, you have to do it.

10:34AM: The Kostitsyns are reportedly being reunited in Nashville. Difficult for us to drum up any fake emotion about something that happens with the Predators. In other news, the best part about Sacha Baron Cohen dumping Kim Jong Il's ashes on Ryan Seacrest is at the 1:40 mark of this video. Check the left side, where our man Chris Harrison tries desperately to get Seacrest's attention.

 

10:07AM: Rick Santorum weighs in on the possibility of the Pens trading Ben Lovejoy.  "I find Ben Lovejoy to be pompous and arrogant, and I think he tries to indoctrinate people with all his talk of having played hockey in college.  I think the Pens should try to trade him, but not sure if there is a market for a guy who went to college."  He then went on to call John Wall a snob for playing one year at Kentucky.

9:44AM: If the Caps trade Semin, we need a volunteer to go through Caps' blog's archives where they call Semin the most talented player in the league.

9:07AM: Caps put Nick Backstrom on LTIR. Signals a possibly significant move. Maybe they make a play for Nash.

9:00AM: Rumors abound that the Pens might do nothing today, or at most, very minor deals around the margins.  That's fine.  So in the meantime, we have to take on Dejan Kovacevic's column this morning.  He writes about what the Pens can do to get Crosby a winger if/when Sid comes back.  He advocates moving Jordan Staal to Sid's wing and writes:

Let's start with this: The Evgeni Malkin-James Neal-Chris Kunitz line has to stay intact. Carve it in stone, and leave them alone. This kind of chemistry and productivity is rare and golden. It can't be discarded to satisfy the needs of another player, not even Crosby. 

We wrote about this diminishing of Sidney Crosby earlier this month, but it's worth restating a couple points.

First, with all due respect to Chris "Hands" Kunitz, the real magic of the Pens' top line is the chemistry between Malkin and Neal.  Kunitz is as solid of a winger as there is, and gets more out of his skill set than almost any player in the league.  But Geno was doing pretty damn well with Neal and Sullivan, and it's just as likely that the real catalyst to Geno's surge to the top of the scoring race was not Kunitz, but the continuing progression of his knee rehabilitation.

The real magic.

Second, this isn't about "satisfying the needs" of Crosby, a phrasing that makes it sound like Sid is a diva.  This is about getting the most out of your assets.  Crosby doesn't need to play with Kunitz to make Sid feel good -- Crosby needs to play with Kunitz because it makes the Pens a MUCH better team.  Guess who was on pace to score 65 goals with Kunitz on the wing last year?  Not Geno, but Sid.  Do you really think putting Sid with unfamiliar wingers after having played only 8 games in a year and a half is a great idea?

Third, the Pens are at their best -- their very best -- when Jordan Staal is their third line center.  It's what makes the Pens unique.  Moving Staal to Sid's wing and having Dustin Jeffrey, a healthy scratch recently, or Joe Vitale play third line center significantly weakens the Pens for about 15 minutes of every game.  If we pick up a legit third line center today -- i.e., someone not named Cal O'Reilly -- then MAYBE you move Staal.

Fourth, Kovacevic cites Staal's 40-goal pace as a reason to play him with Sid.  But isn't that just as much of a reason to not play him with Sid to keep the team balanced?  Can we really expect more out of Staal than a 40-goal pace?  That's asking a lot.  Certainly Staal would be better for Sid's numbers than TK or Sullivan, but that's not what we're advocating.  We want Sid with Hands.  And Malkin will be just fine without Kunitz -- the guy won the Conn Smythe trophy with Fedentenko and Talbot on his wings.

Carving lines in stone may have worked in the era when coaches called refs fat and defensemen could barely skate.  But it's 2012, and coaching and in-game adjustments have never been better.  This Pens team is built on a singular premise that makes the team special -- three dominant centers who, no matter who they are playing with, give you three great lines.  That's the chemistry that won the Cup in 2009, and it's the chemistry that can win the Cup in 2012.  As long as, you know, this doesn't happen...

GTOG Podcast: NHL Trade Deadline Special

Time to get inside Ray Shero's head.  With Monday's trade deadline looming and the Pens coming off a couple of dominating performances, we tell you what we see unfolding over the next 24 hours, ponder Geno Malkin's place in history, and welcome a special, very vocal guest.  Buckle up.  It's the GTOG trade deadline podcast.

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Pens-Lightning Preview: Nonsense about Stamkos Revisited

By Finesse

The internet is basically one big giant super computer where people make predictions and rankings that are forgotten about almost before they are read.  But every once in a while, a list or prediction comes your way that makes you go "WTF?!?!" And the best thing about the internet is that while lists and predictions are ignored at the time, they're ALWAYS still on the internet.

Enter Adrian Dater, formerly of Versus.com, but now with the Denver Post.

Adrian Dater, or the guy from the "Don't Talk to Strangers" posters?

In July 2010, only the second month of GTOG's existence, Dater put out a list of his top-10 centers in the NHL.  Thanks to Puck Daddy, the list still exists.  Here were Dater's top-10:

1. Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins
2. Pavel Datsyuk, Detroit Red Wings
3. Henrik Sedin, Vancouver Canucks
4. Jonathan Toews, Chicago Blackhawks
5. Mike Richards, Philadelphia Flyers
6. Evgeni Malkin, Pittsburgh Penguins
7. Mikko Koivu, Minnesota Wild
8. Joe Thornton, San Jose Sharks
9. Nicklas Backstrom, Washington Capitals
10. Ryan Getzlaf, Anaheim Ducks

Remember -- this list was from July 2010.  Obviously, Richards over Malkin was laughable at the time, although slightly less laughable than today (remember, Geno did not have a great 09-10 season for his standards).  Mikko Koivu on this list, however, was always laughable.

But the most glaring omission, as we pointed out emphatically at the time, was Steven Stamkos.  The guy had just scored 51 goals during a season in which he turned 20 years old.  Since then, Stamkos scored 45 goals last season, and already has an astonishing 43 goals this season.

The point of this post is three-fold: 1) to fill space; 2) to show you that you should always listen to GTOG's predictions and rankings (after all -- GTOG and its family all predicted Courtney as the winner of the Bachelor before the season started and, obviously, that's looking quite strong); and 3) Steven Stamkos is really, really good.

So good.

Finally, we leave you with a what-if:  Two of the guys on the top-10 list who actually belong there (Toews, Backstrom), were drafted after Jordan Staal in 2006.

Go Pens.

GTOG Podcast: Talking "Goon" with Exec Producer Jesse Shapira

By GTOG Staff

"Goon" premiered in New York City Thursday night, so what better time than now to revisit our discussion late last year with the hockey comedy's executive producer, Pittsburgh native Jesse Shapira:

Jesse Shapira started his Hollywood journey with a passion for hockey and a biography about a minor league enforcer no one had ever heard of.  He ended up with the authentic and hilarious "Goon," starring Seann William Scott, Liev Schreiber, Jay Baruchel, and Allison Pill.  "Goon" will be in theaters in March (and on-demand in February), and the film is building undeniable momentum due to glowing reviews like the ones here, here, here, here, and here.

We sat down with Shapira to talk about how he managed to convince the writers of "Superbad" to take a chance on the project, the absolute enormity of Big Georges Laraque, and what's in store for the sequel that we are demanding. It's fun. It's emotional. It's the GTOG podcast.

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[Trailer has some family-unfriendly language]

Big Ben's Barracks: An Insider's Look at the Big Ben-Todd Haley Sitdown

By GTOG Staff

Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger reportedly took the first step early this week in what will be his ongoing evaluation of new Steelers offensive coordinator Todd Haley. Team officials invited GTOG to document the interaction between Ben and Haley as part of a massive effort to document the life and times of Ben, in preparation for what will ultimately be an epic autobiography entitled, "My Guys." We were happy to oblige. Roethlisberger sat down with Haley in the coach's new office at the team's South Side training facility. The following is a verbatim transcript of the meeting.

Ben (extending his hand): Mr. Haley.

Haley (staring at Ben's hand for a beat, then shaking): Nice grip, soldier. I like my men to have big, powerful hands. Have a seat.

The full conversation, after the jump

 
Ben: My right wrist is currently broken in 7 places, but no excuses, I gutted out that handshake. Pain was unbearable. And with all due respect, Mr. Haley, that's Commander Ben, Leader of Men.

Haley: I'm more comfortable calling you "soldier." Clear chain of command is a tradition in my family, which, as you know, is one of the most celebrated families in the history of this great organization. I know. It's embarrassing. I don't like to talk about it.

Ben: Here's the situation. These are my Men. I command this Battalion of Men. From Plax to Twan to Hines to Tone to Twan again to Tonio, these are my Men. We've won many hard fought battles when I've had severely sprained ankles.

Haley (putting his feet on his desk and his hands behind his head): Ben. Think of this as a series of motherf***ing umbrellas, ok? Of different sizes. Your men are under your umbrella, and they all fit nicely. But I don't fit under your motherf***ing umbrella. Fortunately, my umbrella is big enough to cover me, you, Tonio, Hines, the super-fast kid with the f***ed up hair, and the other young kid. It's an enormous f***ing umbrella, and I can't wait to work with you.

Ben: In 2005, I played a game during a monsoon in Denver with two broken wrists, a severed Achilles, a punctured lung, and a Grade 41 concussion. Or maybe it was in Miami. I don't remember.

Haley: I'm not a "systems" guy.

Ben: What does "systems" mean?

Haley: Newness isn't comfortable. It's not supposed to be. Newness can crawl up your ass every day, but newness can also be like a warm breeze caressing your broken nose, your high ankle sprain, and your bruised shoulder. It's all up to you.

Ben: My offense is my offense. It's taken our team 8 years to master this plan of attack. Do you think it's easy for me to yell hike and then run around for 8 seconds while the enemy chases me all over the field and Tone, Twan, Tonio and my guys break off their patterns, pout because I'm about to get sacked, then realize I escaped so they sprint down the field? I practiced that with B.A. for 5 years.

Haley: I understand what it means to be a Pittsburgh Steeler. I was the head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.

Ben: When are you going to call me?

Haley: I'm not a "phone" guy. I'm really looking forward to communicating with you after you call my secretary to schedule an appointment.

Ben: We were 21st in scoring last season. My Band of Brothers doesn't want to change.

Haley: Well, Lieutenant, I feel good about the possibilities here. I was there that day you threw that last-minute touchdown pass to beat my offense, which was on the verge of embarrassing the Steelers' top-ranked defense, so I know you have potential.

Ben:  I think you've got a lot of potential too, coach. I've taken the liberty of bringing in B.A. to work with you on some things. Come on in, B.A.

Bruce Arians: Hi, Todd. Bruce Arians. You can call me B.A.

Haley: Terrific. Hi, Bruce. I have a 9 o'clock call. Bruce, grab me a cup of coffee. Thanks. Ben, my door is always open.

Ben: My door and Bruce's door is always open. Thanks for coming.

Haley: Thank you. This is my office.

Ben: Glad to have you on board.

Haley: Happy you're on my team.

Ben: I'm happy to lead you.

Haley: Excited to have you working for me.

Ben: I'm a great boss.

Haley: Bruce. The coffee. Thanks.