Burress Bets Big on Possible Visit to Gay Island in NFL Playoffs

By Artistry

Question if you must his decision to stick a loaded weapon into the band of his sweatpants as he entered a crowded New York City nightclub - to say nothing of the decision to wear sweatpants to a New York City nightclub.  Debate, if necessary, the dullness of mind reflected by him then proceeding to shoot himself in the leg.  But say this for Plaxico Burress: the man has foresight.  No sooner does Plax sign with the New York Jets today than the Steelers turn around and sign William Gay.  Will Plax get to spend a Sunday afternoon in January luxuriating on Gay Island?  It's a pretty good bet.

Don't drop the ball.

Wake Up With GTOG: Breakfast at Tomlin's

By Finesse

Early this morning, Plaxico Burress met with Mike Tomlin to have breakfast in the cafeteria at Steelers training camp at St. Vincent College.  It's unclear just how seriously the Steelers are pursuing Burress, but you have to imagine that the interest is real.  After all, the cafeteria at St. Vincent is to the NFL what Fiji is to the Bachelor -- the perfect place to fall in love.

It's hard to establish an opinion one way or the other on whether the Steelers should bring Burress back because no one seems to know what he has left.  He was at his peak before he shot himself in the leg and went to jail for two years.  That's not something you can easily recover from.

Given the caveat that we have no idea whether Burress is even good, this flirtation with Plaxico is happening for one of the following three reasons:

1) Placate Big Ben: Ben may love his Band of Brothers but he would love it a lot more if he could get a taller member.  He's been pining for a tall receiver since the day Plaxico left, and this very public desire once caused Hines Ward to take a break from taking offense at being a third round draft pick (the horror!!!) to take offense at being called not as tall as Plaxico.  Under this theory, the Steelers want to show Big Ben that they are listening to him and will not hesitate to tell Ben how hard they "tried" to sign Plaxico after Plax gets double the money somewhere else.

2) Santonio Remorse:  Santonio Holmes just got $24 million in guaranteed money from the Jets, the most ever for a wide receiver (or close to it).  The Steelers dumped him for a 5th round pick just two years ago.  (The Steelers eventually traded that 5th rounder to Arizona for a 6th round pick and Bryant McFadden, or as the package is more commonly called, a 6th round pick).  The Steelers traded Holmes for nothing partially because they wouldn't have been able to sign him and partially because the Steelers simply cannot -- and I repeat, CANNOT -- tolerate one of their players smoking marijuana.  It is unfathomable that the organization would ever tolerate any such immoral and illegal behavior.  Never.  Can't even imagine it.

The harsh truth for the Steelers is that trading Holmes for any sort of morality-related reason was ridiculous at the time and has proven to be completely disingenuous, even embarrassingly so.  The guy was a perfect fit on the field for the Steelers.  The argument that the team wouldn't have been able to sign him is probably true, but to ultimately come away with only a 6th round pick and some skid marks -- well, it doesn't add up.

Can you believe it!?!? We got him AND a 6th rounder!!!!!

By flirting with Plaxico, and potentially signing him, are the Steelers admitting in some odd, Finesse-just-made-this-up way that they mishandled the Santonio situation?  Yes.  Now, suddenly, the Steelers will tolerate a wide receiver with some baggage, especially since they are confident that James Harrison has significantly more and bigger guns than Plax.

3) Throw it to Plaxico!  Hey, maybe he still has it.

ESPN's NFL Free Agent FRENZY Reaches a BOILING POINT

By Artistry

A routine 6 pm SportsCenter suddenly exploded Friday as Adam Schefter appeared with his Blackberry to report this breaking news:

Schefter: "I'm hearing from several people this afternoon that the New York Jets are out of the running for Nnamdi Asomugha. The Dallas Cowboys are out of the running for Nnamdi Asomugha. And the mystery team absolutely out of nowhere? [Checking blackberry] The Philadelphia Eagles.  To emphasize, three different people are telling me right now that the team is the Philadelphia Eagles.  That's right.  This is what the Philadelphia Eagles do.  They are just so secretive.  Now, out of nowhere, again, I want to emphasize that this is what sources are telling me, here come the Philadelphia Eagles.  What's really amazing about this is until today, all my sources were saying Nnamdi Asomugha, New York Jets.  That's what I've been breathlessly reporting now for days.  But now they're saying Nnamdi Asomugha, Philadelphia Eagles."

Random anchor: "Wow."

Schefter:  But here's what's even more amazing. Last summer we had LeBron and the "Decision." Who would have ever thought we'd have another decision, in the NFL, with even more drama.  I want to emphasize again right now, Nnamdi Asomugha, the Philadelphia Eagles."

"You heard me. Nnamdi Asomugha."

Random anchor: "Wow. Philadelphia? I never ever ever would have guessed Philadelphia. How?"

Schefter:  "The Philadelphia Eagles were the mystery team. They are just so secretive. I want to emphasize that this is what sources are telling me.  Nnamdi Asomugha.  Here we have confirmation. Yes. Nnamdi Asomugha. The Philadelphia Eagles. 5 years, $60 million."

Random anchor: "Not quite the mega-deal we were expecting. [Pregnant pause]. Correct me if I'm wrong."

Schefter: "Um. Well, uh, Darrell Revis makes $11.5 million a year. This contract pays $12 million a year.  So."

Random anchor: "What did the New York Jets NOT do to make this happen."

Schefter:  "The New York Jets have a certain amount of money available under the cap.  Another team has a bit more money available.  The Philadelphia Eagles.  They offered that money to Nnamdi Asomugha.  And this afternoon, my sources told me, you know what?  Nnamdi Asomugha is taking that  money.  Who could have seen THAT coming. The Philadelphia Eagles.  Just incredible.  [Checking blackberry].  Nnamdi Asomugha."

This is SportsCenter.

Steelers Offensive Line Really Rounding Into Shape

By Artistry

More lineup shuffling today for the Steelers.

In: Willie Colon, Jonathan "I Only Started 9 Games and Had 11 Holding Penalties" Scott

Out:  Max Starks, Flozell "Human Turnstyle" Adams

Now the Steelers are looking at an offensive line unit consisting of Colon, Scott, Maurkice Pouncey, Ramon Foster, Chris Kemoeatu, The Big Legursky, some kid named Chris Scott, rookie Marcus  Gilbert, and maybe that guy Tony Hills.  An improvement over the most penalized line in the league in 2010?  We don't know, but Ron Cook thinks the line looks terrific.  And that really has us worried.

1st and 30.

Jerry Meals Tapped as New Secretary of Department of Homeland Security

By Artistry

Busy morning. Word is someone may have blown a call last night.

- What a terrible, terrible break for the Pirates. Losing in 19 innings to the Braves on a brutal call the worst call ever and dropping even a half game at the top of the airtight NL Central standings is every bit as frustrating as people are making it out to be.  But take a step back.  The Pirates didn't score for the last 17 of those innings.  They'll pick up a bat at the deadline, but it won't be Barry Bonds circa 2001, and if we're being honest with ourselves, that's about what it would take to make these Bucs even close to a legitimate threat to win a championship.  It also wouldn't make any sense to swing a major deal.  We're building something here.  Piece by piece.  It's like I tell my two-year-old when he tries to stuff an entire slice of pizza that's as big as his head into his tiny mouth:  " Be patient. It's not going anywhere. And there's more coming."

Not my kid. But I would probably cut that up for him.

- No idea how the reported 4-year Ike Taylor deal will look for the Steelers in 2014, and we don't know the dollar figures, but it's hard to imagine how they could have let him walk.  Not with receivers around the NFL lining up to buy a ticket to Gay Island.

- The next order of business for the Steelers is rumored to be offensive lineman Willie Colon.  But rumors are dangerous.  GTOG briefly posted an item on Tuesday based on a Dejan Kovacevic retweet of some other dude at the Trib who speculated that Scott Brown was reporting that Ben Roethlisberger was already lamenting the loss of one of "my guys" or, as it's known at GTOG, the "Colon cleansing."  Then the tweet disappeared.  We have no clue what's going on.  Willie could be at Tessaro's with Dan Rooney and Mike Tomlin celebrating a new contract extension with the Steelers. Or he could be with Ken Wisenhunt in Arizona because that's where ex-Steelers go to be ex-Steelers before they come back to be Steelers again the next season.  Here's what we do know:

1) People that watch offensive linemen say Colon is one of the best there is. We don't watch offensive linemen.  Unless they're Doug Legursky.

2) Willie didn't play last season. He played the season before, and the o-line was terrible. And he was Ben's wing man that one time in Georgia. Band of Brothers, indeed.


"Honestly? You're Not That Great of a Wing man."

- Brett Keisel also appears to be terrified of James Harrison. "I'm sure James would never say what he said.  Sometimes what James says gets misinterpreted as something that was said," said Keisel.

- The Jets reportedly signed former Steelers receiver Santonio Holmes to a 5 year, $50 million contract that gives Holmes the most guaranteed money of any wide receiver.  Ever.  Holmes is really good receiver, and an exceptional player in the biggest moments.  But you're going to guarantee $24 million to a guy that couldn't even stick with a team that tolerates, say it with me, a potentially homophobic rage-a-holic linebacker, a possibly reformed but still largely insufferable alleged sexual predator but now very publicly married QB, an alleged drunk driver, and a Bin Laden apologist?  Hey, it's your money.

Wake Up With GTOG: Target Hearts Dockers

By Finesse

GTOG Chief Technology Officer and co-founder Eloquence doesn't speak often, but when he does, it's worth listening to.  With fiery passion, he sent this email last night.

Does no one in Target's marketing department do any research or does Target's marketing department have zero hockey fans?

Yup, it's true -- they're using our song: 



I'm sticking with the original -- handsome men crossing streets and little boys flying kites -- over a multi-generational bocce ball game. Not even close in my opinion.



If Target's next ad has women in singlets flying around on jet-packs, then we'll have to investigate more closely.

Eloquently put, Eloquence.

Today in Ron Cook Poetry: The Epic to End All Epics

By Finesse

A sincere apology to all of our fans, especially those who have been with us since the beginning.  This morning, we had a winning lottery ticket, but we threw it away.  We weren't there for you, and we will never ever forgive ourselves.  Of course, we are talking about our failure to draft a poem out of Ron Cook's incredible, unbelievable, and unfathomable column in this morning's Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.  We're sorry for missing this.  We really are.  It's why we're here.  It's why GTOG "is."

Today in Ron Cook Poetry: OK, So I Made Only Seven Paragraphs 

I was stunned.
I didn't realize it had gone away.
Has there ever been a less intrusive four-month-plus work stoppage in professional sports?
No minicamps?
No organized team activities?
No real offseason?
No problem.
Of course, that isn't happening.
Not that that's a bad thing.
Forty-seven days and counting ...
Isn't that a wonderful thought?
No more Goodell and Jeff Pash.
No more Smith and Kevin Mawae.
No more legal, basic agreement mumbo jumbo.
No more for 10 years!
Can you believe it?
Some, no doubt, are painful.
Antwaan Randle El, for instance.
Aaron Smith, perhaps.
Just don't blink.
It's all going to happen very quickly.
It will be Sept. 11 before you know it.
OK, so I made only seven paragraphs.
Ouch.
Here's the good part:
The back-and-forth didn't end there.
Forty-seven days and counting ...
I don't know about you, I can't wait.

Bachelorette Emotion in Action: Ben F.

"I'm available today.  I'm available."

Bachelorette Emotion in Action: Ryan



"I'm 31-years-old and where has that gotten me?"

"Nowhere."

Explore these feelings and more with this week's Bachelorette Raw Emotion Podcast here.

GTOG Raw Emotion Podcast: Bachelorette Episode 9 Recap ... OVERNIGHTS!

Another emotional night at GTOG headquarters. Ashley's Journey is down to two suitors after a shocking departure, a not-so-shocking-return, a second dump, a second tearful exit, and a completely and totally unnecessary rose ceremony. We go head-to-head on our choices for who we think has the upper hand, and address countless other pressing questions like, Was President Obama there for the right reasons? Just how big were Ashley's hoop earrings? What was Ben F's sweater and why would he ever wear such a thing? Caution: You're about to enter the GTOG Raw Emotion Podcast.

Click here to subscribe on iTunes.

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Exactly how we felt.

A Grateful Nation Thanks GTOG for Wall-to-Wall Lockout Coverage

By Artistry

Jubilation today at GTOG headquarters as news of an NFL labor deal confirmed that we can finally scale back our exhaustive coverage of the lockout.  Now let's just sit back and enjoy the team chemistry.


Band of Brothers.

RHONY Episode 16 Recap: L-O-V-E Love or N-O-T Not

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger*

The finale. It happened. Season over. Everyone came together at the end and acted like they kind of liked each other. But we know better.

LuAnn was putting the finishing touches on her single (Se Bonne, Se Bonne) at that guy with the mohawk’s office. As usual, he was wearing his sunglasses inside and seemed very vague. Then suddenly he says, yeah LuAnn, so I have someone I’d like you to meet, and it ends up being Natalie Cole. And obviously she’s hawking something via Bravo because she offers to come to LuAnn’s anniversary party she’s planning for Jacques and sing a duet with her. Like seriously, why in the hell is Natalie Cole even at this guy’s place? He is so creepy and marginal and she has seriously made records and won Grammy’s (right? I think). It's funny when Natalie says to LuAnn (graciously) that “Money Can’t Buy You Class” is hilarious. It’s not clear that LuAnn thinks any of this is hilarious. But she does seem more self-aware than usual that she’s not a real singer and that this whole getting to be a singer ride is pretty insane and interesting. She’s very star struck at this moment and it seems relatively sincere.


Unforgettable.

Read on for the Full Recap here...

Ramona and Mario have a dinner party with Sonja and Brian, Simon and Alex, where they collect footage to support the preposterous plotline that Ramona could be pregnant at age 54. She talks about how she would have liked to give Avery a sibling, but instead got a dog. She even brings Avery in and she blurts (this family – they are blurters) that Ramona still gets her period. And then Ramona acts like that’s why she has no wrinkles, which is silly because we have seen her get Botox and other injections and laser treatments on camera. These people have selected memory – you’d think they could hire people to keep track of all of their hypocrisies. Alex takes a call from LuAnn inviting her to the anniversary party and they are playing nice. Alex apologizes numerous times for taking a call at dinner – makes a big show about leaving the room, probably to prove to the studio audience that she’s not rude like Cindy. The dinner party has an awkward, forced vibe that is the essence of what this show has become.

Alex has a photo shoot the next day for an edgy Brooklyn magazine thingy. Her skin is terrible and she apologizes profusely but they end up making her look good for the camera. Then Simon shows up and he’s really lurky and weird and sucks the energy out of the room, and won’t just go home to cover the babysitter when it looks like Alex is running late (because hair and makeup took too long and they didn’t have enough light left in the day to get the shot!) He is super creepy and needs to recognize once and for all that he is not a Real Housewife and that he should consider getting an actual job and staying out of the frame a bit more.

Sonja and Cindy meet in a flower shop and break down their breakfast fight from last week. Cindy absolutely should have apologized for going on with her bidness call at Sonja’s official casual breakfast, but Sonja acts defensive and a bit bananas. I love how Cindy talks about zoning out and planning outfits during her monologue and wondering aloud why these two keep trying to be friends when clearly they aren’t suited. Cindy is way too practical and actually busy to be on this show. She obviously took on the Houswife-ing as a way to promote the vajawel spas and its quite clear she hasn’t been bringing it Bravo style. So they argue about who is more important and better at business and treats their staffs better and it just disintegrates into shouting as usual. One of them walks out – I think its Cindy. It’s just stupid. All of it. Don’t be friends. Really.

Next we go to the boat, where LuAnn has planned a sail around the Statue of Liberty to celebrate her one-year anniversary of dating Jacques. He probably didn’t even remember the date but here she is planning a big rockin’ soiree. Mars and Venus. Ramona or Jill – one of the Negative Nellies points out -- why would LuAnn take her new boyfriend for a sail around the very thing her ex-Count’s family was involved in bringing to the US? But anyway, LuAnn is feeling great and wants to celebrate. Ramona of course attempts to hijack the situation by pretending that her breast augmentation surgery might mean that she’s with child. Her and Sonja, both dressed in leopard print, run around the boat like they are 16 years old, ducking in to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. But not before Ramona takes Mario aside and says, “you know Mario, I might be pregnant.” He seems as if he might vomit in disbelief. With him though, you can never really tell anymore. My guess is that he and Ramona are waiting for Avery to go to college, and then will split. He’s super flirty with Sonja too, which is odd.

Anyway, sorry to be a spoiler but Ramona isn’t pregs.

There’s lots of hanging outside of the bathroom on the boat while Jill whines about “what are they doing in there?” and Alex stands there awkwardly, bummed that she didn’t wear her leopard dress and is therefore not included in the blonde pregnancy test festivities. Cindy and Kelly are basically non-entities at the party, though Kelly does bring up having a punchbowl at a key party, which Jill doesn’t understand. I love the way Simon and Alex are silent and don’t touch it. I have a feeling these two know their way around a punchbowl.

Then, suddenly, Natatlie Cole comes down the stairs escorted by cute little Noel and starts singing that “L-O-V-E Love” song and Bawby is super into it and dancing and people are at peace for a moment. There’s probably a second where a few viewers thought Jacques might propose to LuAnn but that didn’t happen. The side of me that thinks these people are actually partially human and not just completely self-serving shameless marketing machines makes me pleased that maybe they are giving their relationship some realness that doesn’t exist on camera, but the other part of me thinks that they are already on the outs and there was no other way to promote the upcoming Natalie Cole show without the boat party. Another thing worth mentioning is Simon’s face while he’s watching the song. He looks to me like a cartoon of jealousy and hatred – almost like the evil stepsisters Esmerelda and Drizella from the Cinderella story when the glass slipper fits.

LuAnn brings everyone out of the deck for a toast. She says something to the effect of, “We are Family. I got all my Housewives with me.” An apt comparison, the family thing. You can’t get choose ‘em, and you can’t lose ‘em. And these bitches are stuck together in eternity -- 4 seasons of dreck, as my Aunt Dottie would say.

And what’s next? Will there be a 5th? I must reserve judgment until I see the reunion shows, which will be very interesting indeed. The ladies left with a hug, but it’s very clear these Housewives are aligned by hair color and by who can help them move forward. I know they are all poised to work a spin-off show for themselves Bethenney style, which none of them have the real presence to do. The show has suffered greatly since she left, because there is no one smart or funny enough to take the edge off the grossness we all feel for watching. She was a once in a lifetime reality show player. A real pro. Love you Bethenney. Call me.

Anyhoo. Thanks for listening to my ranting.

See you around the internets.

Xo Sheer Elegance

* Ed. Note: Huge thanks to Sheer Elegance for an epic season of recaps. We can't believe you watched the whole thing, but we're glad you did.

Wake Up With GTOG: Go To Bed With Ashley?

By Finesse

Critical night on the Bachelorette.  Last week was Hometowns, but tonight is Overnights.  If you've never experienced an Overnight with GTOG, you don't know what you're missing.  To set the scene of what is likely to happen tonight:

Ashley and Ben F. are at dinner.  He is talking about his dead father.  Ashley is voicing over that she feels Ben F.  is being "really real."  Walls are crumbling all around us.  A Fijian waiter comes over with an envelope.  It's from Chris, and there's a key inside.  "If you choose to take advantage," the card reads, "then you can use this key to the Fantasy Suite to share a private evening together.  -Chris."  They exchange glances.  Ashley voices over, "I'd love to spend more time with Ben."  Cut to the Fantasy Suite door closing while we see a zoomed-out silhouette of Ashley and Ben.  Toyota commercial.

What happens in the fantasy suite is anyone's guess.  Our official predictions for tonight:

Finesse: Ben F. gets the Fantasy Suite. Conny and Ash "just aren't quite there yet. We're moving at a slower pace than with some of the other guys. But that's ok." JP flips out when he realizes ashley had the Fantasy Suite with Ben F.

Artistry: I say it comes down to Ben and Constantine. And they end up having a threesome.

You Win, Ted Leonsis. For Now.

By Artistry

Who is right?  Who is wrong?  Funny?  Not funny?  There were a lot of questions and no real answers in Ted Leonsis's Saturday blog post, but one thing is eminently clear.  The headline, "Thin-Skinned - Fat-Skinned," looks very much like a direct reference to this week's little back-and-forth between the billionaire pro sports team owner and GTOG.  Which begs another question.  How many Ted Leonsis blog posts can we get out of this?

I posed this question today to my lovely wife, who is 39 weeks pregnant.  Needless to say, she's emotional right now.  How emotional?  Imagine for a moment that one of the remaining suitors on the Bachelorette took Ashley to the fantasy suite and - in the throes of passion - called her "Emily," toss that emotion in a blender with Chantal O, and top it off with a dash of the righteous anger every woman in America felt when Brad dumped two women at the same time during the season 11 finale of the Bachelor, and that's Mrs. Artistry.  So maybe I should have anticipated this.

"He's a person, too," she chided.  "I like Ted Leonsis.  I think he's smart.  He likes bloggers.  You should be happy about that."

I am not about to argue with her.  After all, we are people, too.

People.

Ben Gets Married Today; Sigh of Relief Pushes Heat Wave Further East

By Finesse

Ladies, he's off the market.  Big Ben Roethlisberger and long-time girlfriend Ashley Harlan are all set to tie the knot today at Christ Church at Grove Farm in Ohio Township.  The event is shrouded in secrecy but because of GTOG's limitless connections, we've obtained a copy of Ben's vows that he wrote himself:

I promise to be a loving and faithful husband and to force my offensive line to go to get steaks with me so that I look like a team leader even though they hate my personality.  I'm not kidding, Doug Legursky hates me.  I also promise that I will never go back to the following places: Lake Tahoe, anywhere in Georgia, the South Side, Miami of Ohio, or the Grove City Nike Outlet where I got that red long sleeve shirt I wore when I apologized for conduct that I denied doing.  God.  Faith.  I promise never again to wear clothes with life-size depictions of Satan on them.  I promise to continue limping noticeably during every game.  I promise that I will say I'm humbled while resting my feet on the quarterbacks coach whose name I don't know.  I promise that I will not act like Peyton Manning anymore, mainly because James Harrison is pointing a gun at me right now.  But most of all, I promise to apologize profusely to your father for making him be here today.  Band of Brothers. 

In all seriousness, this is a big day for Ben.  We wish him and Ashley all the best.  It looks like it's going to be a beautiful event based on how dressed up Ben got for the rehearsal dinner.

A Throwback to a Better Time

By Finesse

Lots of noise out there today.  Let this video take you back to a better time.  You know where you were.



Spring 2009.  What a season.

Does Ted Leonsis Have Thin Skin? Actually...Yes

By GTOG Staff

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It's no secret that we, like many others, take great delight in poking the orange bear that is Ted Leonsis.  We just never realized he was paying such close attention.  Not even two hours after we tweaked him about the brutal Verizon Center sound system, he's already responded to our post on his blog.  There are only two explanations for this: Either Ted Leonsis is sitting in his office googling himself, or he came to listen to our Bachelorette Hometowns Raw Emotion Podcast.

"Can't wait for the Raw Emotion Podcast!"

We could do a word-for-word breakdown of Ted's response, but let's start with the greatest source of Ted's delight -- pointing out that a picture of Alex Semin that says "Alex Semin" is not a picture of Boyd Gordon.  Great catch, Ted!  We hadn't noticed.  All we can say for certain is that the picture of Semin was probably not from the playoffs.  But this one is:

Good luck finding a picture of Boyd Gordon scoring a goal.

Ted clarifies for us that that the new sound system is not intended to make the arena louder.  Thank God, because that would be like making Ted more sensitive.  He also humblebrags about the Dalai Lama's recent appearance at the Verizon Center, an appearance which is best remembered by GTOG as having made it really crowded outside my gym (where, incidentally, I've never seen Ted).

Our position on Ted is clear: we think he is a smart person who owns a very successful professional sports team .... and the Wizards.  He's done great things for the Caps, and if he were the owner of my favorite team, I'd be happy.  But I'd also be embarrassed.  He can't let anything go.  He responds to every slight, engages every blogger (Thanks, Ted!), and lets the media antagonize him even when they aren't trying to.  He preaches accountability, but owns a trademark for the phrase, "No excuses, but..."

If you're looking for an example, you don't even have to go back a year.  Last July, we did a post about a fantastic ESPN report exposing the sports arenas with the most health-code violations.  Guess who was #1?  Ted, with 100% of the vendors at Verizon in violation of the D.C. Health Code.  Ted, of course, had to respond in a post that was actually titled "Most Deserved, But..."  I'm not making that up.  Ted "accepted" responsibility, and then immediately blamed ESPN for doing the report in the first place to fill up a slow news day.  He also blamed the D.C. laws for being stricter than in other cities, which is like getting a bad sunburn in Hawaii and then blaming Hawaii for having sun that's too strong.  We could cite infinite examples, but we're at work right now.

Could never be mad at the sun with a tint like that.

Ted, pull up a chair and have a chat with GTOG.  You are exorbitantly wealthy.  You own two professional sports franchises.  You own Groupon and some other stuff that I'm not looking up right now.  It's charming that you're so accessible to the fans, but while we're not saying you should climb up to Mt. Pious, maybe it's best if you hover a little bit above the fray for a while?

On second thought, nah.  We like you better this way.

P.S. Living Social > Groupon.  Discuss.

Ted Leonsis's War On Hearing

By Finesse

[Apparently Ted has responded to this post in his blog, presumably to point out that the man on the screen is Alex Semin and not Boyd Gordon, as if we didn't know that.  You may have taken our hearing, but we can still see that the picture of Alex Semin that says "Alex Semin" is actually a picture of Alex Semin.  Good luck trying to find a picture of Boyd Gordon scoring a goal.  Anyway, here's our response.  Also, follow us on Twitter].

You'd probably expect Artistry to be the first one of us to do a post about hearing loss given his extraordinary oldness, but this isn't about Super-Olds like him complaining about the good 'ole days.*  It's about the health and safety of citizens in the District of Columbia.

If you've ever been to a Caps game at the Verizon Center, you have surely noticed the near-fatal volume of the scoreboard speakers, particularly if you sit at ear-level with them.  You'd rather stand with your head in the space shuttle engine than listen to the monster truck announcer tell you to get ready to watch a video of Matt Bradley and his wife at Whole Foods.

This full-scale assault on hearing is only getting worse, as Ted Leonsis announced on his blog:

Also the Verizon Center has installed and will continue to refine during the next few weeks an upgraded sound system and we are also hard at work on modernizing a bunch of suites in the building.Scratch some more To Do’s off our list. Thanks for the support!

This is a call for action.  To the regulators who found that Leonsis's Verizon Center was the dirtiest in the business -- a finding that Leonsis scoffed at because the D.C. laws are stricter, as if that's a valid reason for violating them -- step up to the plate.  If you can hear me.

HEEEYYYYYYYY CAPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSS FANNNNNSSSSSS!!!!!! HERE'S BOYD GORDON TELLING YOU WHAT HE'S LISTENING TO ON HIS IPOD!!!!!!!!!! 

*The man took some swings at me this morning.  Two way street, buddy.

RHONY Episode 15 Recap: Beauty, Class, and Elegance Lies Within a Hummer

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Home stretch ya’ll. Tonight is the finale. So let’s get this done, shall we?

LuAnn and her assistant Michael show up to a meeting with a guy named “Jersey” who is some kind of stylist. He actually does music video marketing stylisting, which Lu needs for the video for her song “Chic, C’est L’Vie (Se Bonne, Se Bonne).” LuAnn says earnestly, “it always goes back to beauty, class and elegance lies within the soul.” That’s not even a sentence, and she is totally serious about all of this and that is why I can’t stand her. This esteemed video marketing team suggest a hotel called The Borgata in Atlantic City for the shoot. It’s just gorgeous, this group of people are being paid to say. And yes, actually, they might get a Hummer. Nothing says beauty, class, and elegance lies within the soul like a Hummer. Does the budget allow for a jet LuAnn wants to know. They can’t even pay actors, so I would guess no jet. LuAnn sees herself kind of like Sophia Loren. Classy, European, chic. You know.

Not happy to be dragged into this.

Chris the director of the video gets put on the spot. “Chris, what do you like about the song?” Um, it's … I mean, I … he falters. Well, the song has a catchy beat. Yes. A catchy beat. Yikes. The set-up here is that this team of professionals feels that they want all the Housewives in the video, as I guess that would make it more of a “thing” from a marketing and um, stylishistical approach. So the stage is set for all of the Housewives to figure out a way to bow out of this situation.

Read on for the full recap here...

Ramona, in full hair and makeup, appears to be teaching Sonja how to use a treadmill. But her real motive is to convince Sonja not to be in LuAnn’s video. She’s embarrassed now to be in a music video? That’s more of a stretch than Sonja’s Lululemons. She’s claiming Avery doesn’t want her to do it. Come on Ramona. Just admit that LuAnn has been snatchy to you and you don’t want to go to Atlantic City. She calls LuAnn a “weekend mom,” which is lame, considering that last week Avery was complaining that her parents leave her alone to figure out dinner most nights of the week. Sonja loved LuAnn’s first music video, she says with a straight face. And she has no problem doing burlesque performances on camera or showing her bare bruised ass on camera. But music videos with their negative messages (LuAnn lying on the bed with gay guys singing about class) are definitely out.

Out to Brooklyn, Alex and Simon are grilling dogs on the barbie. “Dean, Simon’s Australian Friend” is over. That shouldn’t sound sketchy, but somehow it just does. Of course Simon is the one to bring up the video and whether Alex should participate. Alex explains her position: if LuAnn were doing a gangsta rap video, or an opera video, well, than Alex will totally be in it. She just has a huge problem with the word class, and videos about songs about class. You just don’t use that “C” word, and you don’t brag about having wealth if you indeed have it, see? That’s how it works, this class thing. But then of course, she goes on to brags about her fabulous upbringing – oil fields, etc. Even though she went to school in Kansas…. Not really sure I’m following. But the point that LuAnn is condescending and awful is well taken. I’m not sure why none of the women can just say that straight. I don’t want to be in your stupid video because you suck and I don’t want to go to Atlantic City and prance around with you and the other My Little Ponies. Whoa, I think Simon just used the actual “C” word about LuAnn. He is really such a little bitch that one, but he’s right.


So wise.

OK, on to Jill, who likes to hold all Housewife business in doctor’s offices while getting free treatments. She is getting her memory tested, and has decided to wear fake eyelashes to the brain zapping. This is Sonja’s doctor as a matter of fact, which makes sense. Sonja comes in so that Jill can convince her to do the video, putting Sonja in the middle of Ramona and Jill. Sonja is sticking with team blonde. “I remember when I saw the video last year with my daughter in St. Tropez,” I love when Sonja’s little Sonjaisms. The expressionless doctor hovers over Jill and seems to be sticking syringes directly into her brain, via a jaunty red cap. Oh these women! Sonja is literally making any excuse she can. She doesn’t realize Atlantic City is only 3 hours away from NYC. She doesn’t want to leave her daughter and her homework. Jill is really getting pushy now, when she realizes Ramona got to Sonja first. Wait, is Jill wearing, jean legwarmers?

Ramona and LuAnn sit down burbling over with confrontation juice. They talk about their respective Sweet Sixteens – small talk for like two seconds. The video is broached, and Ramona takes her fake self-righteous position that she can’t participate because of Avery and the message it sends. I do think its great that Ramona has Avery as her publicist. She probably knows how bad that video will be. Ramona is playing like she is a better parent than LuAnn. Not nice. She really knows how to piss people off. LuAnn looks like she’s going to kill Ramona with her eyes. Ramona is implying that LuAnn is a crap mom and never spends time with her kids. LuAnn has said herself that during the week she is in the city with Jacques while her kids are out in the Hamptons with a “mother’s helper.” (Rumor has it that a video surfaced showing Victoria drunk and stoned on camera making racial slurs. I haven’t seen it but I’m sure Ramona is referencing that.) But still, you don’t criticize another parent. Everyone knows that, except Ramona.

Everyone has different parenting skills, Ramona says. LuAnn is going nuts. Ramona says, “We’re a trifecta: Me Avery and Mario. We stick together.” LuAnn says nastily, “yes, how is it going with that trifecta?” – and we flash back to the fortune teller in Morocco telling Ramona that Mario is cheating. Two snakes, these two are. Ramona now says, “I have a great marriage. I hope you can be married 18 years with someone who doesn’t cheat on you left and right.” Ooooh snap. Wow, these two hate each other. LuAnn walks out. And Ramona is left rolling her eyes, innocently intoning, “What?”


OK, so she can't really roll her eyes.

Sonja decides to invite Cindy to a breakfast in her home on a Tuesday. Cindy is such a New York City Type A. Five small meals a day. No sugar. Working out with her trainer. Monitoring nannies. Having meetings. She’s clearly trying to accommodate Sonja, who is all bankrupt in her robe at 11:30 AM, making toaster oven eggs and planning for her dance class. But then Cindy plays it all wrong by bringing her assistant and taking a conference call that goes on and on. That is really freaking rude of Cindy. Sonja is banging pots and pans -- trying to make even more noise than she needs to. Sonja is pissed and then Cindy shushes her. Why doesn’t Cindy just walk out of the room? Poor Sonja, she feels diminished and I don’t blame her. Cindy has just lost big time in my book. I usually defend her but between this shushing and then calling her office worker in to handle her kid in the restaurant a few weeks ago, we are done. Unless she wants to take me shopping or to the spa.

So, sexy sexy Atlantic City. There’s no jet and none of the women are coming except Jill and maybe Kelly. But its not gonna ruin LuAnn’s music video! “Jersey” is already stressed. The make-up and hair is taking too long – they are going to miss the shot. Sometimes I feel like all I need to know to be a director is that make-up and hair take too long and that there’s never enough light left in the day to get the shot. LuAnn, hateful hateful LuAnn says, “Like my good friend Princess Shmoogies says, ‘just get in there and do it.’” Jesus. H.

Mario and Ramona are in a car headed to Brooklyn. The shiny veneer of this show is wearing thin like Cindy’s teeth – people are complaining openly about their contractual obligations and openly disliking each other. Especially Mario, he’s over it. He doesn’t want to go to Brooklyn. You know how he feels about going to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is like another country. They pick up Sonja and she’s talking about being supple, so she taking these suppling supplements. Then her boob falls out of her dress as they are walking into the party. Ramona says, “their parties, they don’t have the best energy,” which seems like something Jill would say. Mario makes another bitchy comment about Brooklyn during Simon and Alex’s toast, and Ramona has the sense to be annoyed with him. Sheer Elegance’s hackles are certainly up, as I am of Brooklyn, and like nothing more than a Brooklyn v. Manhattan knife fight at an arts benefit.

Meanwhile in Atlantic City, Jill has yet another stepson. And Bawby is here! Yay! How many times was Bawby married pre-Jillsy? Kelly is here. She’s late and fun and pretty. Never gambled before. A virgin, they all keep saying. Ha ha.

Jill is very excited that she’s the martyr, the one who “supports her friends” by being in their music videos. If your friend is doing a music video, you show up. Right, that’s the rules. LuAnn’s hairdresser makes her looks like a poodle. Jill helps her. Jill is all over this.

We’re flashing back between the shoot and what’s going on in NYC. Somehow, Ramona and Mario make it back from Brooklyn and Avery, Ramona, and Sonja are taking a private dance class so Ramona learn some new moves. Doing the dougie in a dance studio with a really cute teacher. Actually they are doing the dougie and reject and cat daddy. Sonja is a good dancer. Avery too. Alex very awkward but she’s happy to be sweaty in a studio with the blondes rather than shooting a video with LuAnn.

I don’t blame her. It looks rather dreadful at The Borgata. They seem to be pulling in all kinds of randoms, including one of Jill’s stepson’s named Darin Zarin (is this possible??) to be in the video now, and they are all pretending to have a great time, throwing dice in the air during the gambling scene and laughing uproariously. Ugh, how awkward! Jill is exhausted – its hard – all these takes and the walking on the marble floor with the heels. This music video supporting your friend’s thing is harder than it looks.

OK People. I’m out. See you super soon for the finales.

xoxo

Sheer Elegance

Wake Up With GTOG: Rebecca Black is Tearing Us Apart

By Artistry

When Rebecca Black put her new music video "My Moment" up on the special Rebecca Black Youtube channel, we had no idea the kind of impact it would have on our lives.  I've been sitting at my desk, staring out the window, holding myself, and rocking back and forth.  My partner Finesse has gone completely silent, and I really don't know if he's going to recover from this.  Let me explain.  GTOG rode the wave of the "Friday" phenomenon for several months, and we looked forward to this new release like it was Super Bowl Sunday, or Hometowns.  We had an emergency podcast planned to dissect every Moment of "My Moment."  Then it happened.



Something about that video made my friend recoil, made him withdraw, sent him looking for comfort, somewhere where he could be safe.  Maybe it was the little clap and snap move at the 1:15 mark.  Maybe it was our Rebecca going Full Beyonce at 1:54.  Or maybe it was the White Man's Overbite at 2:05.  Everybody has a theory.  Me?  I think it's the cumulative effect of watching Rebecca Black completely losing her innocence.  Who does she keep looking at while she sings?  Does she see her friends, way back in the cheap seats with the commoners?  Does she even eat cereal anymore?  What happened to our little girl? 

They grow up so fast.

Finesse, if you can hear me, we don't have to do a podcast. OK? We don't have to do it. You're safe. Come back to us.

Ben and Ashley: It's Destiny

By Artistry

In case you needed another reason to call your bookie and wager that Ben will be the last man standing when Ashley hands out the final rose on this season's Bachelorette, here it is.  We don't know how we missed this.  It's all so clear now.

Ben and Ashley

Ben and Ashley



Bachelorette Episode 8 Recap: Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Hometowns

By Finesse and Artistry

Sometimes work gets in the way of writing epically long Bachelorette recaps.  It happens to the best of us.  So, briefly, here are 10 lessons we learned from Monday's episode.

10. Make sure you stretch (i.e., date Constantine) before you work out (date Ben).  Constantine is the donut to Ben's baseball bat.  In each of the past two weeks, the Bachelorette has opened with the human insomnia medication that is Constantine.  He got the first date in Taiwan and was the first Hometown this week.  That would be like Saturday Night Live opening with the sketch that got the worst review in rehearsal.  But while some might say this is poor programming, we beg to differ. Everyone knows Ben is just a better version of Constantine, so ABC is letting Ash take her cuts with Conny in the on-deck circle before taking full swings and making contact with Ben.

9. Listen to Ames.  Ashley talks about Ames like she is conducting a parent-teacher conference with his mom.  "Ames is the most unique guys I've ever met."  "Ames is very humble about his accomplishments."  In all seriousness, we are going to miss Ames.  What a Gentleman.  Every other sentence may have been constructed "Adjective - Pronoun - Look Confused - Smile" but there was something about him.  He's going on Bachelor Pad, but that doesn't mean we'll watch.  It's 3 hours long.

Not even Ames can sustain 3 hours.

8. If you want to date Constantine, you better move to Cumming, Georgia.  Mrs. Conny had one question, and one question only for Ash: "Would  you move here? It's important to Constantine.  WOULD YOU MOVE HERE! ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!!"  Meanwhile, Con's dad was giving his blessing for Constantine to propose to "Ass-ley."

7. Though burdened by a misshapen head, Ames got the looks in the family.  For those wondering, Seneca is his sister, not his mom.

And this is what Ames will look like in 5 years.

6. Stick to the checklist. Ames declared that he "threw out the checklist early on with this Journey" and instead took his sister's instruction to give Ashley "the full Ames."  We're pretty sure that in at least a dozen states, you're required to register as a sex offender if you're caught giving someone "the full Ames."

5. Time isn't standing still beneath the magnolia tree.  It just feels that way to us watching at home.

4. We'd all save a lot of time if the contestants just brought lists of everyone they've ever had sex with to each date.  One of the requirements of being the Bachelorette is that when Hometowns come around, you have to ask each suitor how many women he has brought home to his family.  And you are only allowed to have one of two reactions: 1) "Hmmm, only X" or 2) "Wow, X."  This is non-negotiable.

Pretty sure this guy would fall in the "wow" category.

3. There is a direct relationship between how many dead parents you have and how far you get on the show.  Unless you're Ames.  Both his Dad and stepfather are dead, and he still got sent home.  Man, Ashley really didn't want to have sex with Ames.

2. We know guys like JP. In other words, we know Jewish guys from Roslyn who had a mullet and a Bar Mitzvah at the roller skating rink and listened to REO Speedwagon and grew up to be petulant and overly dramatic Bachelorette contestants who flame out in the finale.

1. Ashley loved feeling like she was in 7th grade when she went skating with JP.  You know who wouldn't love that feeling?  Ames.

We're back with the Full GTOG next week, because much like Constantine, when we love, we love hard.  And much like Ben, we are real guys.  But unlike Ben and Constantine, we don't look particularly alike.  In the meantime, if you're looking to get your emotions on, listen to the podcast.

GTOG Raw Emotion Podcast: Bachelorette Episode 8 Recap ... HOMETOWNS!

Outrage tonight at GTOG headquarters, as we try to come to grips with the ouster of perhaps the most thoughtful, sincere, and imaginatively dressed Gentlemen ever to appear on the Bachelorette. How could Ashley forget the magic under the Magnolia tree? When Constantine loves, how hard does he love, exactly? What happened on Ben's date? We may have dozed off. And when will Ashley see JP for the emotionally domineering Brad Womack-esqe lover he most certainly is? We threw out the checklist early on in this Journey. Brace yourselves. The Raw Emotion podcast starts right now.

You can listen below or click here to subscribe on iTunes.

For Flash:

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So long, old friend.

An Open Letter to Non-Bandwagon Pirates Fans

By Artistry

Dear Long-Suffering Pittsburgh Pirates Fans:

We notice you are feeling pretty good about yourselves these days, and undertstandably so.  Finally, you are getting your due.  At long last, you are being recognized for your resilience and your unwavering loyalty to the Buccos.  You have endured 18 straight losing seasons, and now when you walk down the street people feel obliged to stop what they're doing and applaud as if you're returning from duty in Afghanistan.  Richly deserved.  You are members of very, very, very exclusive club:  the Non-Bandwagon Pittsburgh Pirates Fans.

Big Hand.

Just to be clear, we at GTOG are not qualified for membership.  It's possible blog co-founder Finesse has never made it through the sixth inning of a baseball game.  I can't say for sure.  The peak of my Pirates fanhood probably came in about 1986, when Johnny Ray was the team's best player, we were awed by the power hitting potential of one Mike Diaz and encouraged by the promise of a fresh-faced Bob Kipper.  Seriously, those were my guys. 

Childhood Hero

The Bucs' string of early 90's success coincided with my college years, there was no baseball package available at that time, and so my fanhood actually diminished a bit during that stretch.  Does this make me a pre-Non-Bandwagon Non-Bandwagon fan?  I don't know.  It doesn't matter.  Because this day is about you. 

Think about what you have accomplished.  Instead of doing something to make yourself happy, learning a new language, or curing cancer, you watched some 26,000 innings of losing baseball.  You refused to acknowledge that the sport was actually better with steroids and cocaine.  You talked yourself into guys like Bobby Hill and Andy LaRoche, even as the Yankees were throwing $20 million at utility players.  And here we thought we were making an entirely rational and completely justifiable position not to pay attention to any of it.* 


WHYGAL?

Now, as we look for a seat on the Bandwagon with the understanding that we are still not obligated to watch an entire game, we ask for your indulgence.  Don't dismiss us out of hand.  We know we need to earn our seat at the table.  Kindly show us the patience you usually reserve for Pedro Alvarez when he is batting .208.  Open your hearts.  Embrace the fact that we're asking you what the score was last night when it's possible the team didn't even play.  Invite us over to watch a game.  We'll bring beer, and we'll almost definitely be late.

Respectfully Submitted,
GTOG

* We were busy watching the Penguins lose like 200 games in four seasons pre-Crosby.

Wake Up With GTOG: What is a musk deer gland and where can we get some?

By Finesse

If you want a confusing, entertaining, and potentially sad read this Sunday morning, check out this odd story about the North Korean women's soccer team.   We're about a month late to the party on the lightning strike aspect, but we traditionally get our women's soccer news on a west-coast-time plus one month schedule.  Here it is in a nutshell: five members of the team tested positive for steroids which came from a musk deer gland that is from a special deer that lives in Siberia and parts of North Korea and FIFA considers this a banned substance but the team says that it is part of a traditional Chinese medicine and that the only reason the players took it is because of a serious "lightning accident" that occurred last month in which "several players" were seriously injured, an incident that is completely baffling and goes unexplained but is part of a larger theme of mystery surrounding the North Koreans because they also claim that in a maybe-related or maybe-unrelated incident, more than five of their players had to go to the hospital after their match against the U.S. but absolutely no reason is given for that nor proof other than pictures of players getting into ambulances.  Got it?

This is a photograph of the North Korean women's team.

Further research reveals that the lightning may have hit at least five of the players.  You know that old saying: Only in North Korea.

"I will whip this Snuggie off right now and come over there and smack your mahth!"

By Finesse

The Pirates are in first place. It's a good day.

In other news, I've already said "smack your mahth!" 47 times this morning.

The Annotated James Harrison Apology

By now you've probably seen the statement from James Harrison responding to the ballyhoo caused by his inflammatory remarks in this month's "Men's Journal."  Now, in a GTOG exclusive, we have James Harrison himself reflecting on that statement and giving us the story behind the apology. 

Accept my apology. Or else.

"I'll start by offering my apologies for some of the words that I said during the four days in May that Men's Journal was invited to my house to discuss what the NFL has recently been portraying as their attempts at 'player safety' rules and regulations, and to cover my everyday workout routine."

I'll start by thanking my agent for writing this for me.  The way he managed to convey an apology, which he deftly qualified by suggesting that "Men's Journal" threw me under the bus by highlighting the wrong quotes? I'm not sure I could have pulled that off.  In fact, I know I couldn't have.  Hell of a first sentence.

"I did make comments about my teammates when I was talking about the emotional Super Bowl loss, but the handful of words that were used and heavily publicized yesterday were pulled out of a long conversation and the context was lost. Obviously, I would never say that it was all Ben's or Rashard's fault that we lost the Super Bowl.  That would be ridiculous."

I would just say that it was mostly Ben's and Rashard's fault.

"Both Ben and Rashard are great players and great teammates. Clearly the entire team bears responsibility for the loss, me included." 

And by "me included," I mean I'm a member of the team.

"It was a team effort and a team loss."

The Steelers played, and the Steelers lost.  There's really no other possible interpretation of what happened.  But it was mostly Ben's and Rashard's fault.

(He sort of has a point)

READ THE REST OF THE ANNOTATED APOLOGY AFTER THE JUMP......


"My teammates know me well, and hopefully understand the things I said were not meant to accuse them of the loss."

My teammates are genuinely terrified of me.

"We all have discussed several things that went wrong in the Super Bowl since that day. What I do apologize for and take full responsibility for is for speaking in such a candid manner to someone outside the team."

I told Ben and Rashard after the Super Bowl that we lost because of them.  Since that day, I have told them repeatedly that it was their fault.  I've been very open and upfront about this.  Saying it again in a national publication may have been overkill, but when I called Ben and Rashard to apologize, I reiterated that it was their fault.

"I also need to make clear that the comment about Roger Goodell was not intended to be derogatory against gay people in any way. It was careless use of a slang word and I apologize to all who were offended by the remark. I am not a homophobic bigot, and I would never advocate intolerance of gay people."

Why would anyone think calling someone a derogatory name is somehow derogatory?  I would never advocate intolerance of gay people.  I merely practice intolerance of gay people. 

"As far as the photo that was shown on air yesterday, collecting guns is a hobby of mine, and I advocate the responsible use of firearms. I believe in the right to bear arms. I like to go to the shooting range. I like to hunt. I like to fish."

When I say the right to "bear arms," I mean I killed a bear the other day with my bare arms.  Other things I enjoy include "hurting" other players, body-slamming fans who run onto the playing field, and not urinating on my boss.  I also like to pose shirtless while wielding my instruments of death. 

"I could just as easily have posed with my fishing poles but it obviously wouldn't be an interesting picture for the magazine."

I actually just shoot the fish.

Cutting room floor.

"I am not promoting gun violence by posing for that photo."

I am promoting being prepared for gun violence.

"There are also other photos in the magazine story that were not shown on air yesterday — including me with my sons, with my mom and as a kid."

This is probably for the best, because we all were holding guns.

"Unfortunately, the above items and other comments have detracted from the original purpose of the story — a position I have been advocating for some time now. If player safety is the NFL's main concern, as they say it is, they are not going about it in an effective manner. There's nothing about extending the season or issuing exorbitant fines on defensive players that makes any shift toward the prevention of injury to players.  I believe that the league may have been feeling increasing pressure about injuries and concussions last year, and that they panicked and put rules in place that weren't fully thought out. I'm not advocating more flags and fines, I'm just saying that the current rules are not completely fair, and I don't believe in the way that the league is handling their position as overseer of the NFL and the well-being of its players."

If Roger Goodell was on fire and I had to piss to put it out, I wouldn't do it.  I hate him and will never respect him. 

"As far as the character and reputation hits I may suffer as a result of my comments in the article, I'll take those hits and more if it brings increased attention to the re-examination and installation of rules and regulations that would create a REAL impact on player safety."

You see that? I'm a martyr. 

See? The world is against me.